Slow Burn
by lucablue
Summary: Sam's idea of heaven shatters Dean's heart and he realises now he can never confess his true feelings for his brother but when Sam is taken by Zachariah and sent to Purgatory, they are thrown headlong into a battle against the Devil.Warning:Wincest, Rape
1. Chapter 1

**Slow Burn**

**Rating****:** NC17  
**Pairings****:** Sam/Dean  
**Warnings**: Angst, HurtDean, HurtSammy, Wincest, Torture, Rape,  
**Summary**: Sam's idea of heaven shatters Dean's heart and he realises now he can never confess his true feelings for his brother and he just wants to walk away from it all. But when Sam is taken by Zachariah and sent to Purgatory, they are thrown headlong into a battle against the devil. With the help of Castiel, the brother's devise a plan to defeat Lucifer but unless they are truly bound to each other… Sam will be lost forever. The secrets they are both keeping might just get them both killed.

AU ending for "Dark Side of the Moon"

**Chapter 1**

Dean is waiting for the world to change. Waiting for it to shift and shimmy around him but it doesn't. He blinks and tries to swallow down his heart because this can't be real… this can't be happening.

He isn't sure when it started taking over every fucking part of his life or how or why it began.

It was like a time delayed addiction, a slow burn that you didn't even notice until you were being consumed by the flames and it was too late to do anything. All you could do was try to breathe and hide the fact that you aren't the same because the heat has already burnt your heart and scorched your soul.

He doesn't even know how to put in into words…. he's never had to try because it's always been his dirty little secret.

Always will be now.

There's only ever been one word anyway that he really needs to describe everything that matters, everything that is seared into his very bones and lights the way in the darkness.

There's only ever been one person that fills the void of friend, family, brother… one person that makes him want more than he can ever have between them.

Sam.

Except now he knows it's all been smoke and mirrors…it's all been an illusion he created from his own needs and wants. Now he knows for certain that Sam would never understand how he feels.

It's okay though… at least now he knows how Sam really feels…

_your idea of heaven is…it's bailing on your family_

…and where he stands in the great scheme of things…

_God wants you to back off_

Dean Winchester will do what he always does in the face of fear and hurt and fucking things that would cripple a mere mortal standing in the middle of the Apocalypse.

He digs a hole and buries it deep.

Dean didn't know what he'd find when he had arrived at Stanford all those years ago. ..

_Dad's on a hunting trip…_

… whether Sam would walk with him or walk away.

As soon as Dean saw him from a distance, laughing easily and eyes shining as he sat with friends in the crowded campus bar, he knew he had to find out. As much as Dean had continued to fight the good fight with his father when Sam left, he couldn't do it alone.

He didn't want to.

Something stirred in his heart when he saw how happy his younger brother was in this world so far removed from the reality of their upbringing. Dean hesitated then, not because he was unsure about reaching out to Sam but because he was so damn certain that this was the right thing... sometimes you just needed to take a moment.

In hindsight Dean would always wonder whether it was this moment that had changed their path or secured their destiny.

It was all about the vertical and the horizontal.

Straight lines.

Just keep driving and don't look back at the burning bridges.

When Sam starts having visions, Dean starts being scared.

Not the visceral terror that paralyses your soul, no... that will come much later. This was just a healthy fear of the unknown, something he lived and breathed every day. It was just a little different when it struck this close to home.

When Sam starts moving things with his mind, Dean is terrified until he sees that Sam needs him not to be... and that's okay because he can do that. It's his job.

_nothing bad's gonna happen to you Sammy_

It's not until Sam goes missing in Hibbing, Minnesotathat he starts to understand how much he truly feels…. things he's felt for so long without really acknowledging… things he shouldn't be thinking or wanting... not from his brother.

When he finds Sam in the cage, scared but unhurt, a part of Dean just wants to keep him there locked up and safe while he stands guard.

_You were worried about me_

_You vanish like that again I'm not looking for you_

_Sure you will_

And they both know it's true... he would always look for Sammy.

It's not until Sam dies... for the first time... that he knows he can't stop this need within him… he sure as hell can't live with it alone.

_What am I supposed to do Sam?_

… so he gives up his life and his soul for something he knows he can never truly have... and that's okay because he would do anything for Sammy… since forever and for all eternity... amen…

_You're my brother I'd die for you_

… and he knows in his heart that Sammy would do anything for him… almost.

It was a whole new level of fear and hurt though when he came back from hell and saw that Sam had been walking along a dark path… the one path he had asked him not to tread.

A part of him died... again... when his brother chose a demon over family… over him… but he would always be there for when Sam needed to find the light again. No matter what he said…

_If you walk out that door…_

… because he loves his brother more than anything else. They were in this together…

… _I'm your family. We're supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be you and me against the world. Right?_

_Dean, it is._

_Is it?_

… until they weren't.

Heaven wasn't all it was cracked up to be after all and God... well God had left the building.

Castiel had followed shortly after, faith shaken to his core when he had heard God's message because he knew deep down that Joshua wouldn't lie.

Dean had watched the light dull in the angel's crystal blue eyes for the first time since he had known him.

His hand closed around the amulet that Castiel had handed back to him… he felt nothing but cold metal.

Dean walked towards the door, away from Sam.

Away from the younger boy's hopeful words of finding ways and working things out.

_We'll find another way. We can still stop this Dean._

The older hunter turned away from the anguish he knew was on Sam's face because he knew Sam didn't mean to hurt him, he knew his brother wanted to make amends… but Joshua had been right. Dean was losing faith in himself and in Sam, and now he knew it was all up to them… and he was just too tired for this.

Dean hesitated briefly, amulet dangling down from his hand, Castiel's words echoing in his head.

_It's worthless._

It had always made him feel like it stood for their friendship and loyalty and all they had been through as brothers. It represented Sam's love and need for family... need for him... and Dean had treasured it.

It had been hard to take it off when Castiel had asked but it had been for a good cause… a righteous cause… to find God.

Now… Dean pushed his feelings down into the ground and started digging.

Dean let the amulet fall from his hand and walked out the door... leaving a piece of his heart and soul behind.

He knew Sam still loved him... like a brother.

Dean knew he would still die for his brother without a second thought... some things are set in stone.

The difference was that now, he had lost his faith... lost his way... lost his family… and really, at the end of the day… if you didn't have that there wasn't much point. At the end of the fight and the war... if he was still standing… Dean knew now he would walk on alone because Sam didn't want to stay and God really wasn't interested.

So what the fuck… let the world burn.

Dean Winchester was sitting this one out on the bench.

Dean truly, absolutely, believed that for just under eight minutes.

It took that long for him to retrace his steps back into the motel room when Sam didn't follow him out or appear to the honk of the Impala's impatient horn.

Dean had once briefly entertained the thought of coming clean... admitting his weakness and fears and the fact that he needed the younger boy more than he needed to breathe... more than any brother should… he dreamt of caressing Sam's skin with his mouth.

As he sat behind the wheel and waited for his brother to emerge from the room, Dean now knew he could never say how he felt because Sam would only hate him more… at least this way, Sam might stay a bit longer.

Except his world fell apart the minute he moved back through the doorway.

He got a glimpse of Sam… head gash bleeding across his face and motionless on the ground before his younger brother disappeared in the blink of an eye.

Dean stared into Zachariah's gloating smile for an instant before the angel vanished, leaving behind only a bloodstain on the carpet and a gripping panic in Dean's chest.

"SAM!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Dean had screamed himself hoarse before Castiel had finally appeared.

"Sam's gone. Zachariah's got Sam, we need to find him."

"I am aware Sam is gone."

Dean watched as the Angel watched him back.

"Cas, we need to find him."

"Why?"

Dean frowned at the question and all its simplistic stupidity.

"What's wrong with you? Sam's been taken by Zachariah and we need to find him." Dean repeated slowly and loudly. "Now!"

"I heard you the first time Dean. Why do we need to find him? Eventually Sam will either say yes or no to Lucifer or he will either live or die during the Apocalypse as will the rest of us. God himself wants no part in these events so tell me… why should we continue to fight?"

"Because he's my brother."

"And Lucifer is mine. Yet I have turned my back on my brother in order to serve my Father and you have renounced your bond with Sam because you feel he betrayed you and your belief in him. Yet still neither of us are worthy in the eyes of God."

"I would never abandon Sam."

"Then where is your amulet Dean?"

"I… I didn't abandon him… I just understand now that we aren't on the same page. Maybe we never were… but he's still my brother."

"When you discarded that amulet it signified the breaking of a bond stronger than the blood between you and your brother… those that seek to bring about the Apocalypse are rejoicing."

"Cas, I don't know what you're talking about. You're the one who said it was worthless."

"It is worthless to me… if God doesn't want to be found I am wasting my time. The amulet is a symbol to you and your brother and its strength has only grown in the years you have worn it. The bond you shared was woven into its charm and it carried a power of its own."

"Cas it was a necklace nothing more, it had no power."

"Did you never wonder how those you have fought have always known to weaken one of you by harming the other? The link between you is palpable and whilst I do not understand the charm's true purpose, I do know there was a… small shockwave when you discarded it."

"I didn't feel any different… it was a choice Cas… just a choice to start over… move on.

"The choice affected Sam greatly and I think it is no coincidence that Zachariah has now taken him."

"Why would Zachariah… what the hell is happening here Cas, how do you know how Sam feels?"

"I am still an angel Dean, just because you don't see me doesn't mean I can't feel your more powerful emotions. Zachariah specialises in suffering and penance. He understands how to manipulate and torment and I need to tell you… he can be very petty."

"Yeah. Yeah I know that but why has he taken Sam? Why not me or both of us… I know we pissed him off."

"If Sam believes he is cast aside by his own brother then he is more vulnerable and Zachariah can use that against him, against you… although I do not know to what end."

"Dammit Cas, if you already know where Sam is, what the hell are you..."

"No not hell Dean... Sam is in Purgatory... Zachariah's version of Purgatory. Indeed it may be best for everyone if he remains there… out of Lucifer's reach."

"Purgatory? How? He's not dead Cas… Sam's not dead."

"No your brother is very much alive but he may soon wish different. Zachariah may not be allowed to kill someone outright who has been granted Salvation by God but there are many ways to cleanse a soul. Purgatory is Zachariah's domain and although it usually only exists to purify those souls too tainted for heaven he has made an exception for your brother."

"Take me there."

"I really don't think..."

"I never asked you to... just do it."

"You just asked me."

Dean sighed. "I never asked you to think about it."

"My thought processes are not reliant on your requests Dean."

"Yeah maybe you need to work on that… and I'm beginning to think angels and free will aren't such a good idea after all."

Castiel frowned thoughtfully. "You may be right."

Sam had seen the hurt and betrayal on Dean's face in heaven and all he had wanted to do was to tell him the truth. Own up to the fact the he had somehow hidden his true memories in favour of the ones that had caused him the most emotional turmoil.

Each memory Dean had seen were all moments of Sam's life that he had missed his brother so much it had broken his heart. Each of those moments were so strong because all he wanted in each of them was Dean.

The real memories that would make up Sam's heaven were made up of moments that he was too ashamed to show his brother and maybe it was that absolute fear of uncovering his twisted needs that had enabled him to hide his innermost desires.

Although they had in fact shared a single memory.

They had both been taken back to the fourth of July 1996 and shared that moment in time of happiness and love. Except for Sam it had been the way he had held on to his brother until he had felt Dean's arms wrap around him that had made it special. He remembered not wanting to let go... not wanting to move away from his brother's warmth.

There was a theme in Sam's greatest moments that revolved around Dean touching him, being near him, loving him. Some were just simple moments in time of soothing the pain and stemming blood and wiping sweat when Dean's hands touched his skin. Others were snapshots of Dean smiling or throwing an arm over his shoulder or being a breath away from his face... green eyes so sharp and lips so close he could just about feel them.

If heaven was about unfulfilled dreams and wishes, then Sam's sick desires would already be uncovered. The way he yearned for Dean to press against him and hold him down, touch his body and taste his skin.

He knew he had hurt Dean deeply by somehow showing him the false memories but he also knew the truth would hurt his brother more... damage the only good thing Sam had left in his life.

At least that's what Sam thought until he saw the look on Dean's face when Castiel threw him the amulet and told him it was worthless. Sam understood the angel's despair… the amulet was no use to him if God didn't care. It was of no use to find a God that didn't want to be found.

Sam had watched as Dean held the amulet and looked at it like it was the root of all their problems. He didn't even realise he was holding his breath until Dean walked away from him and let the necklace fall from his fingers like it was nothing more than a piece of rubbish.

As the charm hit the waste bin and Dean moved on without a backward glance to signal his regret or indecision, Sam finally understood he had forgotten to keep breathing but by then he didn't really care.

Tears sprang unbidden in his eyes and the room blurred as the finality of Dean's action cut through him so deep it was like a physical blow. He knew he didn't deserve anything from Dean after all he had done. There was no way for him to atone for the damage and suffering he had caused by his betrayal and decisions, no way he could ever expect the trust he had once held.

Yet although a part of him had always hoped that Dean would always love him like a brother… another part of him had always wanted so much more. He knew Dean understood what the amulet meant between them, a little brother's gift turned into a symbol of much more.

He knew Dean understood the significance of taking it off.

Sam understood with perfect clarity what it meant when Dean threw it away like an insignificant trinket… he understood and accepted his brother's decision even though it felt like it broke him inside… he deserved no less.

Sam had taken only two steps forward, when Zachariah appeared between him and the door. Before he could speak, an unseen force blocked his airways and smashed into his face once, twice and then he lost count and consciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

There were God awful sounds all around him... tormented and twisted... throes of a nightmare.

Sam slowly opened his eyes but the sounds didn't fade like they were supposed to... they only seemed to get sharper, clearer, along with the pounding in his head.

A chilling coldness felt like it had pierced through his skin and crept into his bones and it dawned on him that he was lying on the ground.

The young hunter blinked trying to clear his aching head as well as the leaching greyness around him but the pain and dullness held on like they belonged as his brain tried to kick start into action. He slowly looked around as he pushed himself up from the ground, sitting awkwardly with his legs folded almost underneath his body, trying to shield himself from the bitter air.

"You won't escape so easily this time... Joshua is not here to save you."

Sam turned quickly to face the voice, heart thudding in his chest with recognition. "Zachariah."

"Glad you could join me Sam... I gotta tell you that I am so looking forward to this. It's been such a long time since I had an actual body to play with… I mean there's only so much you can do to a soul… but you… oh we're gonna have so much fun and all in the name of God."

"I don't understand… where am I? I'm still alive… I can't be in… am I still… alive?"

The young hunter touched fingers to his head and winced, noticing the drying blood on his skin as he moved his hand away. A memory surfacing of the motel room and being attacked as he looked around quickly, relieved to see he was alone.

He hoped Dean was safe.

"Oh yes very much Sam. Don't you remember? I mean it was a pretty big moment when your brother… your own flesh and blood practically disowned you. Throwing that amulet away really showed you how much your brother hates you … I must remember to thank Dean next time I see him for making this so much easier."

"If I'm not in heaven where… where am I?" Sam tried not to react to the cruel taunts, the clench of his fists and the tightening of his jaw the only visible signs of his inner heartbreak as he remembered all too clearly watching Dean walk away from him out the door.

"You're in Purgatory Sam… and this is my territory now so buckle up! God may have granted you salvation for now but consider me one of heaven's gatekeepers if you will… and I think you're still far too tainted to enter through those pearly gates. I mean we do have our standards and besides… I don't think Lucifer has quite finished with you yet. "

"Purgatory? So if I'm here, I can't say yes... and there's no Apocalypse? No one else will get hurt and... and I can still be saved?"

"I guess you can Sam, if you really want to be saved… Lucifer's not such a bad guy y'know. He probably understands you more than Dean ever will."

"You're an angel, why are you saying this to me? Why didn't you just wait till I was dead and buried to cleanse my soul?"

" Oh I just couldn't wait around any longer to hear a Winchester scream after all the trouble you've caused me... I can't exactly rely on you to make the right decision anymore now can I? Y'know Dante had quite the romantic version of this place… although we did edit his version of events… but between you and me I think this will give you a whole new perspective on the issue of suffering and torment."

"What are you waiting for then… I don't need the lecture or the history lesson… I know what I've done… what I deserve. If this will stop the end of the world… save… everyone."

"What? No pleading or begging or plaintive cries for your brother?"

Sam was scared, terrified… but if he did this then Dean wouldn't have to say yes to Michael and Lucifer wouldn't get his vessel... the final battle would never happen and lives would be saved. Sam needed to make amends...

_We'll find another way. We can still stop this Dean._

... and here was his chance.

"No." Sam shook his head slowly, eyes downcast but not really seeing anything in front of him. "My brother and I both know I caused all of this and… and at least I can't hurt anyone else here... I can't hurt Dean anymore than I have… if this will stop me saying yes to Lucifer then… then it's the right thing even if it means you win."

"Oh my heart breaks… not! Just because you think you deserve it doesn't mean you're gonna suffer any less… this is my party now Sam and I intend to live it up big."

Zachariah snapped his fingers and Sam suddenly found himself naked and shackled. A tight iron collar pressed around his neck that was linked to heavy metal chains around his wrists and ankles and a metal bit inside his mouth that held his tongue down and cut across the sides of his mouth.

"You'll thank me one day Sam when the world grows cold and stops turning... you might not remember who you once were but when your spirit is broken and you accept your fate... live up to your potential... you can finally be at peace. It's a shame though that Dean will never know how you really feel about him… I would have paid for a ticket to watch that little scene play out."

Zachariah walked forward and bent down level with Sam's face, hand cupping underneath the younger boy's jaw to tilt his head up. "Oh and I never said this would stop Lucifer Sam… I am after all a member of the winning team."

The last thing Sam heard was the laughter of the archangel and the snap of his fingers before incomprehensible agony obliterated everything.

If Sam had any power of thought left he would have wondered how he could scream so loudly with a metal gag in his mouth.

_spnspnspnspnspnspnspnspnspn_

The flames licked and bit at his feet then climbed steadily up his calves searing flesh and making the metal chains burn white hot, melting through his skin. Sam could barely move his body, he couldn't look down or shift away from the blistering heat that now wound up past his knees and caressed his thighs, turning his skin blood raw then charcoal black.

Screaming in panic, the sound garbled and raw as Sam's voice broke around the metal gag, all the young boy could do was writhe uncontrollably and futilely.

Tears of agony poured from his eyes as he felt his flesh being eaten by the unrelenting flames. The overpowering smell of his own burning body assaulted his senses and he could almost taste the acrid stench.

He shook with a pain so intense it went beyond comprehension as the yellow white fire now touched and scorched his balls and penis, igniting hair and engulfing his lower body and still reaching up, hungry for more. His saliva and tears evaporated as the flames wrapped around his torso and every tortured breath drew boiling heat into his lungs as his eyes rolled back in his head, unseeing.

The choking, pitiful sounds that came from his mouth now were wet with sizzling blood as the metal bit burnt his mouth and through his tongue. Sam had a glimpse of understanding in his mind that he was dying and this wouldn't last because no one could withstand this agony and remain conscious. No one could live through this much suffering and physical damage.

Except he did.

On and on and on...

_spnspnspnspnspnspnspnspnspn_

Sam gasped in a harsh loud breath as the devouring flames were suddenly gone and he could feel the cold metal against his skin. Struggling to sit up, chains pulling and pinching his skin, tightening around his neck, he frowned in confusion at the state of his body.

He was shaking uncontrollably as the agony echoed through his mind and body… he remembered it all and was still traumatised with shock.

"Oh don't be disappointed there Sam… I can't very well burn you to death in the flames of purification now can I? Although I have heard they hurt like a bitch… and everlasting awareness is not something to underestimate… but then I think you're beginning to get that now aren't you?"

Zachariah's oily chuckle made the younger boy whimper. Sam tried to understand what was happening to him as he continued to shake with violent tremors. His skin was unmarked except for a trail of blood that dripped down his chest and he wondered if he had bitten right through his tongue.

Realisation began to slide over Sam like an icy blanket, not all comforting even after the fiery torture he had endured, smothering his hope and freezing terror in his heart… he'd never escape from this place... this was his fate.

"I'm going to give you over to your journeykeeper Taharial who will oversee your trials and report to me on your progress. Each suffering will last forty days and then Taharial will cleanse you in the healing fire for forty days before a new journey commences. You will not speak and have no need to eat or drink in this realm although he may permit you to rest. The chains will stay on you and if you fail any test or stray from your path, you will be punished Sam."

As he tried to understand his fate, all Sam could think about was Dean. All he wanted in this moment of judgement was to see his brother again and explain how he really felt... beg Dean to understand… beg Dean not to hate him... beg Dean to hold him close...

... beg Dean to forgive him.

_ spnspnspnspnspnspnspnspnspn_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Well?"

"If you are asking as to my progress it goes slowly."

"Thank you Captain Obvious but you need to speed things up here." Dean threaded fingers through his hair in frustration. "Seriously Cas, what... what do you think he'll do to my brother?"

Dean could barely keep the tremor from his voice as he recalled the hate that Zachariah had displayed to them when he held them briefly in heaven before Joshua had come to their rescue to tell them God's message. He also saw the pity on the angel's face as Castiel stopped preparing the sigils that would help them locate Sam and turned to face him.

"I need to know." Dean's voice was quiet and insistent.

"Purgatory for the soul still trapped in a physical body is adapted to the senses so that they are overwhelmed and laid bare. The fire of Gehenna that purifies and heals as it burns, endless torture, temptation and endurance are common elements of atonement but Zachariah can be very creative. I fear he will weaken your brother until he is unstable… if Lucifer somehow gets to Sam before us..."

"He's gonna torture Sammy in the name of God and not one of your junkless brothers are going to stop him."

Dean wasn't asking but Castiel understood enough of the older boy's anguish not only from his words but from the palpable rage that was vibrating in the air around him. The angel nodded his head solemnly as he reached a decision.

"No they will not raise a hand in defiance of Zachariah to stop your brother from being cleansed… Sam is by all accounts still tainted with the demon blood in his veins. However I am with you Dean and if God will not stand by you and Sam... then I will."

"What changed your mind?" Dean's voice was soft… thankful.

"You did Dean. I see you ready to fight for your brother when you have nothing left, no one standing by your side... and I see the love that is in your heart and soul for Sam even though you try to hide it. I also know that Zachariah is surely acting in the interest of bringing on the Apocalypse."

Dean turned away from the steel blue eyes that suddenly burned through him too knowingly for his comfort. "What can I do to help?"

"Pray."

"What?"

"The fate of those in purgatory can be affected by the actions and prayers of the living... this is one of the rules that Zachariah cannot change."

"Really?" The older boy frowned as he turned back to the angel. "You really think praying makes a difference?"

"I am an angel of the Lord Dean... I may be angry at God but I still believe."

"Yeah... I guess it's like preaching to the choir."

"No... Israfel would not allow me to join the heavenly choir... apparently I do not have enough rhythm."

Dean smiled, suddenly more than glad to have Castiel by his side. "Well balls trump rhythm in my book so... I guess I'm gonna start praying. And thanks for sticking around Cas."

"You are welcome Dean."

**_spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn_**

A sharp noise like thunder had torn through the atmosphere and echoed across the wasteland and Tahariel had told him to stop.

Sam obeyed the command without looking around at the angel…it hurt his eyes to look at the glowing brightness of his captor and he also just didn't have the energy to waste.

Sam stood on unsteady legs, the weight of the chains adding to his distress as he looked around the desolate landscape. His breath was hot and ragged and each inhale of the burning air made his lungs ache.

The concept of time was a distant memory… something Sam remembered but had no use for any more. All sense of the moment and its relevance to the one before it or after it was inconsequential because there was nothing to mark its passing or end.

He heard the rustle of wings and suddenly the landscape was darkened, the scorching sun now replaced by a dim grey hue that resembled the dull light of dusk. With the darkness came a chilling coldness and Sam's sweat covered skin broke into goosebumps as his heated flesh was quickly drained of its warmth.

"You will rest here and not move from this place until I return."

The angel's deep voice was followed by another rustle of wings and Sam knew he was now alone.

Sinking to his knees, Sam's long body then folded in as he curled on his side on the ground, seeking what little warmth he could from his own naked flesh.

The young hunter's body shook but it wasn't just from the cold this time as a wretched sob made its way up from his chest to sound out from his constrained and bloodied mouth. Tears coursed down his face in a steady stream and Sam was barely aware of their progress down his face to fall in the dusty earth beneath him.

_**spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn**_

Unmarked hours had slipped past but Sam was oblivious to everything except the cold and desolation… and the pain.

He had fallen into a fitful exhausted sleep when he felt something touch his shoulder and he startled awake in fear, automatically trying to move from the touch. Pushing his body backwards with his hands, Sam was too numb to notice the scrape of his skin against the rough ground.

"Sam, it's me."

Sam began to pant in terror and disbelief, squinting his eyes closed and open again trying to make this… illusion… go away.

"Shhh baby… don't be afraid… don't you know me?"

Whimpering in shock, Sam looked at her features as he tried to inch further away. Once blonde hair was now matted and filthy and her naked body seemed shadowed in a darkness that came from her skin more so than the dull semi light around them.

He knew her face even though it was hollowed and bruised and the once blue eyes now seemed to hold no light, no spark of emotion.

Nodding slightly and moving slowly so he was now kneeling, Sam let out a soft groan as his muscles pulled and stretched painfully with the movement. He really didn't know what she wanted… if she was really here… but at least sitting he felt less vulnerable than lying down. Hunter's instincts working like a muscle memory.

"It's okay Sam, it is really me… Jess."

She knelt down in front of him, knees almost touching, and reached her hand out slowly to caress his face. Her fingers trailed down his cheek and then along the bloodied metal that protruded from his mouth before almost tenderly brushing over his lips.

Sam closed his eyes at the contact, her skin felt cold even to him but the way her hand moved, the sound of her voice made him remember who she had been… what they had once shared.

"That's right baby… I'm gonna take care of you…"

His eyes snapped open as he felt her lips press against his own and then her hand slipped around to curl against the back of his head.

"… just like you took care of me."

Her hand suddenly tightened in his hair, reefing his head back and he felt the cruel fingers of her other hand claw along his thigh.

Raising his hands he pushed against her chest, the swell of her breasts just below his hands as he tried to move her away.

She drove at his body then, slamming his back hard against the ground as she quickly moved to straddle his thighs, pressing her weight forward onto Sam's chest and capturing the chain between his arms under her hands.

"You sent me here Sam… did you know that? You shot your filthy demon seed into me and now… well now I'm not good enough for heaven."

Sam struggled underneath her weight, bucking and writhing frantically to dislodge what was left of the women he had once loved… panting breaths and muffled sobs escaping from his torn mouth.

"What? I'm not good enough for you now? Don't want to sink inside me and lose yourself like you used to do?"

Jess' hand pushed between their bodies and gripped Sam's soft cock, squeezing and pumping cruelly.

Throwing his head back against the ground Sam fought harder, blood dripping steadily now from the side of his mouth as he tried in vain to vocalise his pain and revulsion.

Her hand moved slower now up and down his shaft as she began whispering against his ear.

"I loved you Sam… and I didn't want to die. They told me I was unclean because I had loved you, let you fuck yourself inside me but you know what was worse?" She laughed but it was bitter… hateful. "You left your filthy, demon child inside me and when the angels tore it out and killed it… I was glad. My soul felt every single cut and tear but I was glad because I would have killed it myself… like they should have killed you."

The words hurt Sam far worse than her rough hands and his head shook in denial and shock at the details. He had done this to her and never knew… never even guessed he had sentenced the woman he had once loved to a fate of torture.

"I know the way you feel about your brother… always did know." She licked along his ear but Sam had no fight left. "I was just a substitute because he would never let you do the things that I let you do. Just think Sam, if you had fucked your brother like you wanted, he would be here instead of me. Dean would be the one screaming in agony because you loved him and touched him and pushed your cock inside him."

She cocked her head to the side and Sam heard whispers, malignant voices in the distance that were full of hate and want and darkness.

"They are close now Sam and they will help me show you what it feels like to have no hope, no feeling, no end in sight. I hate you Sam and you deserve to be punished… you killed me… YOU DID THIS TO ME!"

Her voice rose to a shriek and Sam's chest ached with the knowledge. It all made sense and he hadn't even given it a thought… Jess didn't deserve this… not after the love she had given him… she was right… and he deserved this."

Sam's body shuddered as he wept for Jess… and the unspeakable agony he had inflicted on her.

The whispering around them grew louder but amidst the growing noise the shuffle of wings broke through, subtle yet drawing their immediate attention. As Sam's eyes squinted open, he saw Jess cringe in the light cast out from Tahariel as she slid off his body and then skittered away in the semi darkness.

He was alone with the angel.

**_spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn_**

Sam's body was at breaking point but choice was not an option… he had no say in his fate and the angel that walked behind him was a formidable presence.

Sam was terrified.

He had been walking across the barren and rocky ground for as long as he could remember... there was nothing else... and his feet and body were torn and scraped from walking and falling. The sun beat down on his skin and his blood and sweat were burnt dry on his body. He had just managed to regain his feet after falling again, the chains around his body making most movements awkward and painful, but he couldn't keep going.

Thoughts of Jess swam endlessly in his mind and they only served to weaken him further.

A sound escaped his bloodied mouth, the metal bit distorting any pleading words into nothing more than a garbled sob that went unnoticed like the sweat and blood that covered his skin.

"Walk." The cruel voice of the angel Taharial vibrated through his body as the warrior like being towered over Sam.

The young hunter stumbled another few feet before crashing to his knees, hands then hitting the ground in front of his body in an effort to stop himself falling all the way.

Sam heard the crack of the whip before he felt it slice across his back and across one shoulder blade, the pain taking several seconds before it scorched his nerve endings as it opened skin. The second and third hits came in quick succession, marking his buttocks and side before he collapsed against the stony ground.

Sam curled in a ball as the whip continued to pound his torso relentlessly, the chains that wound along his arms and legs offering a little protection to the skin on his limbs but not nearly enough to reduce the agony. The tail of the whip sizzled across his neck and cheek and Sam felt the blood run along his skin just before an unseen force pushed him to his back and spread his arms and legs as far as the chains would allow.

He shook his head whimpering as the raised arm of the angel blocked the cruel sun for a second before the furious torture continued. Sam face and chest were a bloodied mess as the whip continued down along his exposed body and he writhed weakly knowing even in his pain delirious state what was coming next.

The skin across his stomach was flayed to the muscle and bone protruded from his hips before the first strike landed between his legs, splitting the foreskin of his penis and the muscle underneath. The next lash angled across his thigh and scrotum, rupturing both testicles, blood and fluids pooling on the ground between his thighs as the angel's almighty strength was outpoured through the leather flog.

Sam's eyes rolled fitfully in his head as he convulsed and screamed wretchedly at the agony and terror of being flayed alive and mercilessly being held conscious throughout it all.

Sam's features were barely recognisable when the whip was finally stilled and the only sound was his own grating breaths. He felt his arms drawn above his head by the chains and then his body was being dragged face up along the ground as he was pulled behind the angel as the journey continued.

As rocks and stones pulled more flesh from his destroyed body, something sparked bright and comforting like a soft caress in Sam's frayed mind. He could feel a presence... something reaching out into his consciousness.

It was so out of place amidst the chaos of suffering and horror he didn't understand it at first but then a single reddened tear escaped his eye as realisation dawned within him.

_Dean._

**_spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn spn_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Aaarrgh...oh God...no, no...hold on Sammy. Sam...? SAM!"

"Dean can you hear me?"

Dean opened his eyes in horror as his shaking hands reached out to grip the angel's forearms to steady himself. Shocking images of his brother and the intense fear and pain he could feel surrounding Sam assaulted his senses and left him momentarily in shock.

As Castiel released one arm to break the chalk circle that surrounded them on the floor, Dean nearly toppled backwards.

"Cas he's...he's...Zachariah's fucking killed him. He's not gonna be able to...Sam's hurt so bad…"

Dean voice broke as he shook his head trying to find the words to describe the mangled mess that was Sam. The young hunter gasped in several ragged breaths as he tried to continue.

"...he won't be alive for much longer Cas, we've got to get to him before... I need to be with him."

"He will not die Dean. The suffering you have witnessed is Purgatory…Sam's body will be healed each time it is ruined."

"He was… God he was torn apart… he was hurting so much… I could feel it… he didn't know anything but the pain and he was so scared… he's my little brother Cas and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't fucking stop it."

"No but you have given him hope. If you were able to enter his consciousness and feel his suffering he would have been aware of you Dean. Sam would understand in some way you are trying to get to him."

"Wasn't it just the Circle of Light letting me get through…how could Sam know it was me?" Dean glanced at the now broken chalk circle he sat within, still half slumped over the angel.

"This sigil intensifies your thoughts and prayers... though it cannot create a bond that does not already exist. You were able to connect with your brother because he is your soulmate Dean and you are his... you are stronger together."

"I don't understand...?"

"It doesn't matter for now... I could see through your eyes and I now have some idea how we can get closer to Sam."

"Whatever it takes okay... if Zachariah has hurt Sam this badly in less than a day, we have to hurry."

Castiel lifted his chin, frowning slightly. "It has been over one hundred days to Sam... time moves differently in the realms of hellfire and purgatory."

Dean couldn't speak, so he nodded his understanding and slowly pushed his body up from the floor.

He had heardseenfelt Sam screaming in fear and pain and the echo of that anguish was all he could focus on... all that mattered.

Castiel began drawing again in chalk and blood and chanting incomprehensible words that were so powerful they sent tendrils of charged air in waves throughout the room but Dean barely noticed.

"Hold on Sammy... hold on for me."

Dean closed his eyes and prayed.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Sam lay crumpled on the floor at Zachariah's feet. One eye had been ruined from the tail of Tahariel's whip and the other blinked slowly up through a red haze at the true form of the angel.

The voice seemed to come from each mouth of the angel simultaneously, an echo of an echo ringing just behind the sound of each word. Sam tried not to look at the ox, the lion or the eagle's head but settled instead on the hated face of the man Zachariah had shown them since they had first met him.

"Do you fear me yet young Samuel?" Zachariah spread each of his four conjoined wings menacingly. "Do you wish you had done what was expected of you and whored yourself to Lucifer when you had the chance and not made me your enemy?"

Zachariah's smile appeared more like a grimace, his voice whisper soft. "Do you wish I had brought Dean here instead of you?"

Zachariah clenched a fist and Sam found himself being lifted up by a choking pressure around his neck as he feebly tried to support his own weight on the skinless soles of his feet with torn muscles and severed sinews firing agony throughout his body.

As the chains and metal gag disappeared from his body and he was raised above the ground, Sam understood what was happening, knew Zachariah would show him no mercy regardless of his answer.

Sam had thought, somewhere once in the middle of the heat and the screaming, he had sensed his brother...

_Hold on Sammy_

...but maybe he had dreamt it. It didn't matter, he still wanted Dean to be proud of him. Dean had gone to hell to save him so Sam wasn't going to take the easy way out now. Zachariah was punishing him for fighting his destiny but at least this way Lucifer and Michael wouldn't battle and Dean would be safe. At least this way he could stop the Apocalypse.

Sam lifted his head as high as he could manage and tilted a corner of his torn mouth as he shook his head slowly in defiance.

The pressure was released and Sam immediately fell down hard, blood slickened body hitting the floor with a sickening sound and a raw cry escaping from around his swollen, shredded tongue.

"You might think you are defying me... showing me your strength... but I know you are a worthless, weak piece of meat. I will break you down piece by piece until I know you are ready to accept your fate... and I will wait for as long as it takes."

The young hunter barely managed to tilt his face against the hard floor so he was almost looking at Zachariah. He couldn't manage to lift his head up any more than he could have stopped the shaking of his flayed body or closed his legs where they had landed, splayed obscenely beneath him.

"N...n...no."

The word was a guttural whisper, another almost unintelligible sound from his mouth after months of purgatory...yet it still rang true and clear in Sam's ears... in his heart.

He had failed his brother so many times in the past, caused so much hurt... but this time would be different.

This time he would stay strong for Dean.

This time…Dean might be proud.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Dean linked hands with Castiel as they prepared to connect with Sam and find the third bearing on his location.

"Why can't you just zero in on his... soul or something?"

"Finding Sam's soul amongst the countless realms between heaven and earth requires me to define dimensional co-ordinates and configuration space before I can... zero in. Without all my powers I am reduced to your mathematical equivalent of using an unsubstantiated M-theory with geometric topology applications to the power of eternity." Castiel sighed. "I am doing my best. Are you ready to make the link?"

"Yes... and please don't try and explain that to me again. You sound like a geek."

Dean took a breath and closed his eyes as Castiel drew the last sigil in blood on the floor between them.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

He was choking on fire.

White hot flames licked down his throat as he tried to breathe in the scorching inferno, searing his lungs and igniting them.

A horrible wailing, broken and hoarse in pitch, assaulted his ears as the stench of burning flesh permeated the air so strong he could taste it.

There was no sense of up or down just senseless agony that grasped and licked greedily at every inch of writhing flesh, making it blister and melt and blacken before it started all over again.

Amidst the chaos of pain, Dean tried to reach out, make contact... he could feel Sam's sanity being ripped to shreds but he wasn't going to give up even as he felt like he was the one being consumed by the heat.

_Sammy_

The older boy felt something shift slightly...

_Sammy hold on to me... let me help you…please_

Dean felt himself being pushed away out of the intensity of the inferno but he struggled fiercely to move back... throw himself towards his brother... throw himself back into the fire.

_Sammy no!_

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

His head hurt when he moved.

Opening one eye Dean decided his head may have actually imploded instead as a sharp pain radiated through his skull.

"Oh God."

"No it is Castiel."

Dean squinted into the blurred face of the angel which seemed to be hovering inches away.

"Uh... personal space Cas... what...?"

Dean's eyes opened wide at the last memory he had of trying to reach his brother. He realised he was lying prone on the ground and sat up gasping and groaning as the change in altitude only intensified the sledgehammer in his head.

"What happened to Sam... did you find him?"

"Sam was within the Fire of Gehenna and your soul tried to reach him but he turned you away before you came to harm. Zachariah has created a realm within the layers of purgatory for Sam and I have found it."

"Then let's go... we need to go now."

"We will but we must make sure that Sam is out of the fire before we attempt to rescue him. You put yourself at great risk getting so close to the Fire whilst you are grounded on earth Dean."

"We can't wait... he's being burnt alive Cas... he's still awake and he can feel..." Dean swallowed down his despair as tears sprang up behind his closed eyelids. When he reopened his eyes, anger flashed brightly within the green depths and permeated his voice.

"How is it that God's angels can torture so mercilessly when God himself has granted forgiveness... or is that just something Joshua told us to keep us from going darkside? My brother is being fucking tortured and..."

"The Fire of Gehenna is outside the control of all angels... it would burn us just as it would burn anyone who entered its blaze because no soul, no being, can ever be too pure for God's presence. The flames are also used to heal the soul... in Sam's case the body... between the journeys of penance. If we were to pull him from the fire with the injuries he has sustained then he would most certainly die as soon as he was returned here."

Castiel looked up towards the ceiling of the room as though he was seeing something other than the peeling paint and cracked concrete before turning seriously to face the young hunter.

"Even those granted forgiveness must do penance if they have committed mortal sin Dean... but you are right... Zachariah is abusing his power and I fear he has other motives more sinister than pettiness."

Dean nodded, processing Castiel's words but only caring about one outcome. "When can we try again?"

"We should wait an hour, that should be sufficient."

"How long... how long will that be for Sam?"

Castiel hesitated before replying, head tilting a little as he spoke softly. "Nearly one week."

Unable to stem the tears that now spilled down his face, Dean was surprised at the comfort he felt from the angel's low, soothing voice.

Castiel placed a firm hand on Dean's shoulder. "I will pray for Sam with you as we wait."

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter warning: Rape and violence**

**Chapter 6**

Sam gasped a breath, surprised there was no agonising pain and it took him a long minute to comprehend what exactly he was feeling.

Cold.

His body shivered before his mind understood the concept having just been engulfed in flames… his senses almost mistook the feeling for comfort.

There was grey ice all around him and again, he was bound in chains, his teeth now clamping instinctively against the metal bit in his mouth.

Looking down at his body there was no damage… no bloodied, torn flesh from the whip or charred skin from the fire and Sam wondered if he had imagined it… whether he was insane… and maybe he was because he had nothing to ground him and no one to comfort him.

_Dean_

The thought of his brother skittered almost feverishly through his mind as if that was the answer to everything… his salvation… but Dean was lost to him because of his sins and Sam knew he was the only one to blame. The choices he had made, the path he had taken had driven a wedge between them.

Sam understood, even if he didn't remember all the details right now, that he didn't deserve his brother even though after everything he still craved his love, his touch.

His forgiveness.

Suddenly aware of a movement, Sam turned to find the overwhelming presence of Tahariel.

"Walk."

And Sam cringed and forced himself to move because the memory of the whip slicing his skin was still too fresh, too much to disobey.

Sam walked almost mindlessly, focused on the task of putting one foot in front of the other again and again and again. His feet were numb in the ice and his body had far passed the point of shivering. Now he just stumbled blindly along, knowing if he failed to get to his feet each time he fell it would only mean more pain.

He had been on this journey for six days but Sam had no concept of time.

Only a reality of pain and fear… and echoes of Dean.

_snsnsnsnsnnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

He had been whipped three times in the last few hours and knew his body was failing him again… at its limit… but then there was no recognition of mercy here or forgiveness… just torturous pain without hope.

Sam was suddenly aware of standing in the middle of a gravel road covered with black ice and craters. Rocks and cliffs bordered the road on one side and a vast sea of grey ice threw churning waves alongside the other edge of the road, the cold spray like needles against his skin.

Wails and screams of terror rose up and bit through his consciousness and he was sure he could make out distorted faces and bodies below the surface of the water.

"Go forth along the road and feel the anguish and temptation of the lost souls, cast adrift for their sins and mortal evils. If you stray from the path or succumb to their temptations, your suffering will become tenfold. If you remain steadfast you soul will lighten. Once you reach the end of the road you will be allowed to pass through the Fire of Gehenna and continue your journey of purification."

Tahariel's voice was cold, emotionless.

As soon as the angel disappeared, black misshapen shadows began edging out onto the road, some moving forward pushing and stumbling against each other while others seem to grapple with each other violently. Sam began walking, trying to keep away from the dark human shapes but many began to notice him and the cries and sounds of torment and anguish was soon accompanied by a sinister whispering that was almost mesmerising in its rhythm.

An even row of potholes began to mark the road's centre and in each there was a figure trapped and screaming for help. They were waist deep under the surface and writhing from some unseen torture beneath them, hands reaching out trying to grasp those who walked passed. Sam edged past these poor souls, head down and eyes not straying from the road ahead of his feet.

After many peaks and dips in the road, the potholes were filled with both male and female souls that had been pushed face first into the ground so their genitals were exposed and their naked hips and legs squirmed obscenely. These souls seemed to cause unease amongst many of the walkers and as Sam watched, they were leaped upon in a frenzy and raped mercilessly as more and more souls gave in to temptation.

Sam tried to block his ears from the sounds of such bitter despair as all those who had fallen were damned to more punishment. The chains between his wrists stretched taut as his palms pressed to either side of his head in vain. He could smell the sex and lust and it filled the air and aroused his own body but he stumbled on, understanding this was a trial and knowing Zachariah would take pleasure if he failed.

He was panting heavily now and his cock was semi hard, his body traitorously reacting as he tried to focus on what lay ahead. The potholes and trapped souls finally became fewer until they were just agonising sounds growing distant, but there were still many that walked the road around him.

He staggered on and for the first time he saw movement coming from the other direction and watched as the others on the road began to edge over to the rocks and off the road.

Unsure of what to expect, Sam hesitated briefly before sheltering behind a large rock just off the edge of the road. He crouched down, trying to still his shaking body and quieten his laboured breathing.

Screams began to pierce the air along with a fetid smell and he watched as a group of rotting souls came past clutching and dragging other souls. The group stopped and began molesting and striking those they had grabbed and Sam held his breath as several paused and looked in his direction sniffing the air like animals.

He tried not to move, not to breathe as two souls nearby were dragged from their hiding places screaming in terror. He wasn't prepared when one of the writhing victims pointed towards him in what was probably a frantic bid to save themselves.

They were on him in seconds, cold hands that were unexpectedly corporeal clutched at his arms and hair and dragged him forward into the violent group. He struggled fiercely, fists clenched and chained legs kicking wildly against his captors but there were too many and he was thrown face down on the road before they set upon him.

Mouths bit at his skin, fingers clawed and held him down and fists and feet hit his body in a chaos of pain and terrifying motion. Sam's muted screams became frantic when he felt hands and other things pushing between his legs. Cold hard flesh was pushed inside him, brutally pumping in and out of his body and he fought to just breathe.

There was cold... all over his body and then so deep inside he knew he would never get it all out of his bones. He desperately tried to find and cling to distant memories of safe and warm and love.

_Dean_

And he didn't mean to call out in his mind so wretchedly… so pitifully… but he just wanted to be saved… he just wanted his brother.

In the end, Sam lost track of everything... his surroundings, his body and then his mind. It was just too much pain and cold and hopelessness with no chance of reprieve from unconsciousness or even death.

It was just too much.

There was only movement now as his body was flung back and forth as it was beaten and used but Sam was too tired to fight and just became boneless... uncaring... unseeing.

There was an endless whimpering in his ears and he didn't even know it was coming from his own tortured mouth.

And then the movement stopped and there was nothing except his own pitiful sounds and a bright light that seemed to lighten the dark even behind his closed eyes.

When Sam thought he heard Dean's voice say his name he knew he had truly lost his mind and he sank deeper into despair.

_snsnsnsnsnnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

The past hour had seemed to take an eternity as he thought of his brother and the suffering he was enduring at Zachariah's whim.

There was a large portion of guilt also eating away at Dean's heart like acid as he replayed the seconds where his fingers relinquished the amulet and let it fall unwanted from his hand. Each time he closed his eyes willing the charm to still be held tight in his grasp but each time the dull thud of metal on metal marked his failure and loss.

Dean knew now that he had lost Sam in that moment.

Not in the months before when his brother had stumbled on the path into the darkness and had held on to the belief he was doing the right thing... even if it had all gone south in the end.

Not in the way Sam had left for Stanford, left their way of life, their family... left him.

Throughout their whole lives he had never given up on his brother and Sam knew that... Sam knew wherever he was that Dean would always hold a piece of him.

He had only truly lost Sam when he had let go.

Dean raised his eyebrows but said nothing at Castiel's outstretched hand as he grasped it within his own.

"Remember what I have told you and whatever happens, stay on the road and I will find you."

"Find me? Cas I don't…"

There were no other thoughts to be had or words of sarcasm or worry or just plain let's fucking do this because his breath was stolen in the whisper of wings and the disorientated feeling of suddenly being far from where you just were.

"C...Cas?" Dean teeth were chattering as an icy wind seemed to sink right through his flesh.

Looking around, the seasoned hunter couldn't help but instinctively be alert to his surroundings although he was almost at a loss in the harsh and unfamiliar territory with no weapons and seemingly no angel.

"Well this sucks out loud."

Dean spoke softly as he turned full circle on the icy road but found himself to be utterly alone and completely naked.

"C'mon Cas not a good time to finally give me some personal space."

Dean stilled as shadows crept out from the rocks before him and began moving along the road before turning to stare at him. As one, the shadows shielded their eyes and slinked back out of sight as he frowned, perplexed by their behaviour.

Seeing only grey fade to black behind him and blocked in by rock and pounding sea on the sides, Dean took a breath and walked forward along the road.

"Where are you Sammy?"

_snsnsnsnsnnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

The cold didn't seem to affect him as much as he thought it would, either that or he was completely numb and frostbitten which was highly possible in this surreal landscape. The barren surroundings were shrouded in grey fog and the air was continually bombarded with the wails and sounds of human suffering.

Dean continued to walk on, horrified at the sights of the tortured and the acts of violence that they inflicted on each other. Castiel had warned him beforehand about what he might see but nothing could prepare him for the way their cries permeated his own soul and filled him with despair.

There was movement ahead and he watched as he walked forward waiting for the shadows to cringe away like the others as he approached but instead they shielded their faces and snapped and snarled like feral dogs. These souls were different than the others, misshapen almost, with a darkness that seemed to taint their form. Dean guessed these were the lost souls that Cas had spoken of, the ones that were destined to roam here forever.

Unwanted by both heaven and hell.

They were guarding something in their midst and as he neared, Dean could see a dozen souls writhing in agony... and Sam.

He ran at them... one against twenty, maybe more... but none of that mattered to him now he had Sam in his sights.

Now only several feet away, more than half of the demon-like souls fled from him. As he came within striking distance the remaining few fell to their knees as they cringed and wailed before sinking to the ground and skittering away.

Dean stopped momentarily panting hard, adrenaline coursing through his body as his fight reflex was running high with nowhere to go and he didn't trust this... didn't trust anything to be so easy.

He moved forward, eyes focused on his brother who was moving feebly like the others, trying to crawl along the road away from him. It only took him half a dozen steps to reach Sam's beaten body and he crouched down, trying to reign in the overwhelming emotion that suddenly filled his heart. He bit back a sob as his eyes took in the bloodied and torn flesh that covered Sam's whole body.

"Sammy." He spoke quietly, hand hovering over his brother's shoulder before he gently grasped skin that was far too cold.

Dean's hand jumped away as Sam whimpered fearfully and curled up protectively on his side, eyes closed tightly.

"Oh God... Sammy no it's okay... it's me, Dean... it's okay."

Dean knelt on the ground, knees resting behind Sam's back as he leaned over the trembling form of his brother. His hands had never felt so unsure as he placed one against his brother's chest and used the other to softly smooth tangled brown hair away from Sam's face.

"Shhhh... s'okay Sammy. It's gonna be okay now." He ignored the distorted sounds of distress and carefully pulled Sam towards him so the younger boy was half lying across his thighs, eyes still tightly closed.

He took in the red welts across Sam's back and side, careful not to put pressure against them as he held on, gently rocking now... trying to soothe the scared boy in his arms... trying to ignite some spark of recognition.

The chains and metal collar that bound his brother didn't go unnoticed and Dean's eyes searched in vain for a way to remove them but there were no locks to pick or links to open. His jaw tensed as he noticed the metal cutting the side of Sam's mouth and his fingers gently moved past Sam's damaged lips only to find the metal bit wedged tight, pinning Sam's tongue down.

His fingers came away coated in red spittle and Sam was panting hard now, nostrils flaring at the intrusion. He wiped his hand down his leg before placing it underneath Sam's head and turning it towards him.

"Sam I know you're hurting and scared but I need you to listen... you know my voice Sammy and I need you to understand I'm here." Dean's hand traced down his brother's face and cupped his chin. "Open your eyes Sam... follow my voice and open your eyes... it's okay."

Dean watched the pale face in his hands, willing the dark hazel eyes to open and look at him but they remained closed. He glanced around the road, hunter's instincts still on full alert even though the road was now empty and there were no obvious threats.

"Sammy please... I know you can hear me." Dean's voice cracked as he pleaded for some sign his little brother was in there. "I'm sorry. I... I was so angry at God, at myself... at you, even though I had no right to be... you have your reasons for the things you saw in heaven... I shouldn't have thrown the amulet away... not when I knew what it stood for."

Dean blinked and tears ran down his face unnoticed. "I can still see the look on your face when you gave it to me. When I put it on, you looked at me like I was some kind of hero... and you smiled... and I felt like... God Sammy I felt like I was worth something. I guess... I guess I just thought you still saw me like I was... something special... like I see you."

Dean stilled suddenly and looked into barely opened hazel eyes, squinting up at him fearfully.

"Oh thank God Sam."

Sam flinched and looked away, drawing in a harsh breath as his whole body tensed in Dean's arms.

"Sammy, it's okay." At a loss over what to do, Dean took one of Sam's hands, careful not to pull the chain taut, and placed it against his own face trying not to shiver as the icy skin trembled against him. "It's me... it's just me kiddo."

Dean felt the fingers slowly move against his face and then Sam was frantically trying to clutch at him and pull him closer. Dean moved so he could pull Sam tight against his chest and try and soothe the anguished sounds coming from the younger boy's mouth.

"Shhhhh I've got you now... I've got you now."

He drew back slowly after several minutes and held Sam's face between his hands, comforted by the fact that his brother tried to maintain eye contact although it seemed to be almost be painful for him to do so. Dean let his thumbs trace along Sam's cheekbones before he leaned in and kissed his forehead.

"I love you Sammy."

There was a blinding light beside them and Dean shielded his eyes, trying to squint through glare and make out the shape within. Sam cowered fearfully against him, pressing his face to Dean's chest, his fingers digging into the skin on the older boy's arms.

"What do you seek here Dean Winchester, you have no need for Purgatory."

The powerful voice reverberated in the air around them amidst the shifting of wings... but it wasn't Castiel.

"I'm here to take my brother home, you can't have him. Zachariah had no right to do this... and I will kill him for what he's done... with or without God's help.

"Castiel said you would be fierce, and God knew you would come."

"Where is Castiel, what have you done with him?"

"My brother is resting. His strength was depleted bringing you here and no angel or demon can enter this realm without my permission."

"Then you already know why I've come... and I'm too tired to play your holier than thou games."

"Castiel has explained your plight and I concur that Zachariah seems to have acted in his own interests... he used to be very close to Lucifer." The angel's wings unfolded to an immeasurable span, moving gracefully despite their size.

"You do understand that Sam may be safer here with me now that Castiel has shown me the truth... all things considered."

"Sam belongs with me."

"Yes Dean Winchester I believe he does. I can see your souls should be bound even if you cannot… even if you are both fighting against it."

"So... you're just letting us leave?"

Dean wasn't sure how much of the conversation Sam had been following but he felt his brother shift in his grip as the younger boy released his arms.

"Sam...?"

"Sam is letting you go ... he will not hold you here if he has to stay... his love for you is too great."

"No... if one of us has to stay... it won't be Sam."

"Your sacrifice is noted Dean Winchester… but if you want a chance to stop the Apocalypse, then all you have to do is heal each other, mend the bond. If the vessels are united in soul, then Lucifer will not reign supreme… and all will return to its rightful place."

"I don't understand… we can't control angels and devils… you're just like Zachariah, you want this war to happen."

"No Dean, I am only speaking of God's will… your journey to heaven was a means of showing you the way but Zachariah was able to manipulate Sam's memories and steer you on the wrong path. Zachariah understands the strength of soulmates… and when there are other bonds as well it only increases the power of two."

"You might glow like a freaking light bulb with wings but I'm not easily impressed… I know you can't lie but your kind sure as hell twist the truth and Sam… look I just want to get him out of here. Please."

"You are also shining Dean. Why else do you think the lost souls cower from your presence… why does your brother find it hard to look at you here? You are imbued with Gods' grace. You were chosen for this at the dawn of time, not by chance or fate or even Michael, but by God. You speak of choice and you are right, your roles were already determined but there is always more than one outcome. God gifted your kind with free will but the real power is in the choices you make."

Dean felt Sam shaking uncontrollably and he pulled the younger boy closer against him, relieved Sam didn't fight him but also worried.

"The power is inside you Dean. You need to find your faith and then shine it on the darkness in your brother's heart. You need to find strength in the truth before Lucifer takes his vessel."

"Lucifer isn't going to take Sam. I won't let it happen."

"You won't be able to stop it but you can still stop Lucifer and save your brother. You just need to take a leap of faith."

Dean felt the now almost familiar feeling of disorientation in the pit of his stomach and realised he had squeezed his eyes closed.

When he opened his eyes he was surrounded by the walls of the motel room.

_snsnsnsnsnnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The warmth of the room was suddenly stifling and Dean realised he was fully clothed again.

Castiel was standing in front of him looking far too calm but all Dean could focus on was that his brother was no longer in his arms.

"Sam?"

Dean turned fast, panicking, and then staggered one step forward and stopped, heart beating in his throat as he tried to swallow it back down.

His brother was lying on the far bed, eyes closed and face pale. There were no marks on his face and the chains were gone but clothes hid his body and any damage that remained on his skin. As the older boy watched, Sam gasped loud and harsh as he suddenly tried to sit up and quickly became distressed when he didn't seem to have the strength.

"Sammy it's okay, calm down, you're okay."

Dean moved quickly to Sam's side and sat on the bed, placing a hand on his brother's chest to still his movements, calm him. Sam's body was still ice cold and trembling badly.

"Sam you with me? C'mon Sammy, gimme something."

Receiving no response, Dean saw his brother's eyes had slipped closed again and he turned to the angel in frustration.

"A little help here Cas... grab the blankets off the other bed, it'll be easier than moving him underneath these ones."

Unable to take it for granted that his brother had been healed, Dean quickly pulled Sam's shirt up checking the skin underneath for injuries. He took a relieved breath when he saw Sam's skin was untouched, unharmed, although the memory of the blood and wounds and teeth marks he had seen still haunted him. Probably would for a while.

Castiel carried the bedding over and then helped Dean cover the younger boy, mimicking the actions of smoothing the covers and tucking the blankets around Sam's still body until Dean seemed satisfied.

"What's wrong with him Cas, can you do anything?" Dean's hand brushed slowly across Sam's forehead.

"He is probably in shock." The angel blinked at Dean's obvious expectation of more information and continued. "Both Sam's soul and physical body were subjected to the punishment of Purgatory for months and whilst Tahariel has healed him, I expect there will still be side effects."

"Like...?"

"This."

"So help me Cas, I need to know what to do here."

"I don't know Dean, I have never met with someone whose body was returned to the living. I do not know everything Tahariel told you but I think you are the one that Sam needs."

Dean looked up at the angel's intense gaze and tried to read a clue in the depths of blue ice but all he found was blind faith.

"I got nothing Cas... I only know how to break things not fix 'em."

Turning to Sam who was still shivering uncontrollably, Dean sat back down and sank against the headboard, gently pulling the younger boy across his lap as he readjusted the blankets.

"C'mon Sammy, I need you here. All of you."

_snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

It had been two hours and Dean was sweating buckets.

Sam was still shivering and unresponsive.

Castiel was seemingly unaffected by the high output of the room heater except for the slightly askew tie.

"I do not know what else to suggest. I am sorry Dean."

"It should be working Cas... "

Dean lifted Sam's arm from under the blankets to check his pulse, and was rewarded with a groan and a flash of dark eyes.

"Sam?"

Eyes blinking and then opening wide, Sam's hand clutched at the older boy as he frantically struggled to free his other arm from underneath the mountain of blankets.

"It's okay Sammy, you're safe."

Sam's gaze travelled around the room for a few seconds before it stayed steady on Dean's face, hands now both fiercely gripping the older boy's forearms.

"Sam are you hurting? You need to tell to me."

As he watched Sam shake his head slowly, mouth opening and then closing without a sound, Dean frowned at his brother's lack of verbal response.

"Please Sam, I need to know if you're hurt? You can talk now Sam, it's okay. That piece of metal's not in your mouth now... I need to hear you say something... please."

Sam seemed to concentrate and frowned slightly lowering his eyes as his mouth moved slightly, lips parting as though to test if they could.

"Co... cold."

If Dean hadn't been sitting right there he would have missed the whispered word.

"Is that all Sam? You sure you're not...there's nothing else?"

He waited, watching his younger brother's face intently for any sign of pain or distress but Sam shook his head slowly.

"C'mon sit up and I'll get you something hot to drink... seeing as the furnace effect doesn't seem to be working."

Dean gave his brother an encouraging smile, relief sweeping through him as he stood and helped Sam slide up the bed and rest against the backboard. He couldn't begin to describe the emotions that surged through him at that moment and he found his hand cupping the side of the younger boy's face before he realised what he was doing.

He instinctively moved to pull his hand away... he couldn't burden Sam with his twisted feelings now... but paused as Sam closed his eyes and leaned into his hand with a small sigh. Dean's eyes stung with hot tears as he placed his other hand on Sam's shoulder and sat back down on the bed.

"God Sammy... was so worried. When I saw... never mind." Dean shook his head, not wanting either of them to think about what Sam had been through right now. He would make Zachariah pay for what he did but for now, Sam needed him.

"I've gotcha back now that's all that matters. You were right little brother... whatever happens, we're in it together."

Sam took a deep breath. It was hard to convince his senses that he was really here with Dean and he reached out with an unsteady hand and gripped his brother's forearm. He felt Dean's hand slide from his face and grip his arm in a mirroring gesture and he missed the warmth on his face. He suddenly ached for the feeling of comfort and love that Dean's touch on his skin had stirred inside.

Reigning in his emotions as best he could, Sam looked at his brother and frowned as he saw tears in the older boy's eyes. His hand moved to reach out but suddenly he froze in fear, curling his fingers into the flesh of Dean's arm.

Dean went to stand up, he was too close and if he didn't move now he would do something they would both regret. Instead, when he moved he found Sam's hand clutching tightly onto his arm as the younger boy looked past him across the room and he turned his head to see Castiel standing by the door.

"Sam it's just Cas... he helped me get you out."

Dean felt the tension go out of Sam's grip a little although he didn't release his hold completely.

"I believe I will have to regain your brother's trust after what he has been through Dean, I am an angel just like Zachariah and Tahariel. I understand Sam's fear."

"I'm... not afraid."

"Thank you Sam." Castiel nodded but made no move to approach.

"Yeah, Sam knows you not a complete dick like the rest of your family."

Castiel tilted his head and quirked an eyebrow at Dean's less than obvious compliment before he spoke. "Tahariel spoke to me of hearing that Lucifer plans to gather a rebel army of angels. I need to find out if he is correct so I will leave now and allow you some time with your brother."

Dean frowned. "You really think many angels would side with the devil? I mean that's more than just crossing the floor Cas... that's like mutiny... against God."

"Yes it is but it would explain why Zachariah wants to weaken Sam and build discord between you and your brother. If Sam acts as Lucifer's vessel without anything to bind him to blood or family it will open both his mind and soul to the darkness. Sam would be more than just a vessel, he would become one and exist with Lucifer. Bound together they would rival the power of God."

"So Michael would have a snowball's chance of winning and then everyone would have to pick a side."

"It would appear so... a snowball's chance at what?" Castiel's head tilted as a frown appeared on his face.

"In hell."

"You should recall Dean there is no snow in hell... it cannot... ah, I understand the paradox. "

"And they say you can't teach an old dog new... never mind Cas. Why didn't you tell us this before? About the whole becoming one with Lucifer crap?"

"I was not aware Dean. The loopholes concerning possession are not my specialty."

"Loopholes…?" Dean sighed heavily. "Go see what you can find Cas... and thank you for getting Sam back."

Castiel stared intently at the older hunter. "You are welcome Dean but you must fix what is broken. Sam needs to know how you feel."

Dean closed his eyes briefly as the angel disappeared and then turned to look at his brother.

"Lucifer isn't gonna have you Sam... and... and you know we're in this together right?"

The ghost of a smile touched Sam's lips like a passing shadow, gone before it really took hold and he nodded as he released the older boy's arm.

"Yeah."

Dean was surprised at the uncertainty, Sam's voice soft and his pained eyes meeting Dean's briefly before they shifted away. He didn't understand until the memory of his own words, harsh and accusing echoed through his mind.

…_I'm your family. We're supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be you and me against the world. Right?_

_Dean, it is._

_Is it?_

The worry and anguish over Sam being taken by Zachariah had made him forget exactly what had happened in heaven... in the motel room... in his own heart right before his brother was ripped away into Purgatory. The amulet...

Dean's hand automatically moved to his neck, suddenly needing to feel the solid weight of the charm in his fingers... like he had done out of habit since... forever.

Sam's dark eyes followed the movement of his hand and then travelled to his face, catching the look of surprise and then pained realisation in the older boy's eyes when his fingertips found nothing more than skin.

"Sam... "

Dean shook his head, momentarily at a loss to try and explain the turmoil of emotion and doubt and fear that had assaulted him before he had discarded the amulet. There was no way though he was confessing how much Sam's idea of heaven had shattered his heart and everything he had held within it.

"... Sam I didn't take it off to hurt you... I just... it felt… feels like everything's changed, spinning out of control y'know? I'm not the same person you gave it to... I felt like I'd lost my faith in... everything."

"It's okay Dean, I understand. You don't have to..." Sam's voice turned into a low groan as a tremor seemed to shake his whole body. "...you don't owe me an explanation. You don't owe me anything."

The younger boy watched as Dean walked over to the table and picked the amulet up before placing it over his head. "We used it... Cas thought it might help when we were looking for you..."

Sam shook his head, eyes downcast. "I never blamed you for taking it off, was my fault things got so screwed up back then."

It was Dean's turn to look away, guilt shading his features. "It was only a day here Sam... you were gone for just over a day."

"I... it was..." Sam frowned as he took in Dean's words.

"Over four months to you, I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Sammy."

"Guess I didn't miss much then." Sam voice cracked a little as he spoke softly. "You don't have to wear it Dean, you don't have to wear it to make me feel better. You can't get your faith back in a day."

"I got my brother back Sammy, that's all that matters. I was so angry at everything, everyone…including myself. I thought …God Sam I get so tired sometimes and it feels like we're getting played by both sides y'know. I was ready to walk away, I didn't care."

"And now?"

"I'm ready to go down fighting Sam, and Castiel is gonna stand with us. We might not win, hell we're still pretty screwed but the least we can do is take some of those sons of bitches out with us."

Sam watched the play of emotions across his brother's face and smiled unknowingly at the passion in Dean's words and the fire that burned behind his brother's eyes.

He felt exhausted and there was ice still running through his veins but Sam found strength in the older boy's words. He always did.

"So I guess that's what Cas meant about telling me how you feel."

Dean can't tell if Sam is asking or telling but he doesn't answer... for once he keeps his mouth shut because how the fuck can he explain how he really feels? How do you explain to your kid brother that all you can think about right now is pulling him in close… hands on skin and mouth to mouth… and never letting go. How could he ever justify this desire to Sam when he can't even allow himself to accept it?

Nodding his head, Dean forced a smile on his face before turning away.

_snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Dean knelt on the ground, cold tiles making his knees ache. He rubbed small slow circles on his brother's back like he had done when they were kids and Sam had eaten bad diner food or caught some illness that Dean always seemed to have immunity over.

He had made Sam hot cocoa trying to get rid of the chill that seemed to permeate his brother's body no matter how hot the room was or how many clothes and blankets he had piled over the younger boy.

Sam had baulked at the idea of drinking and paled even more when Dean had mentioned food but had finally nodded in resignation and sipped nearly one third of the hot liquid down.

Now Sam was paying for it and leaned weakly against his brother after dry retching solidly for nearly forty minutes, his skin now hot and clammy from the effort.

Sam felt like he had been punched in the gut... he couldn't remember drinking or eating in such a long time and it was like his body had forgotten how. He was hot and cold and the room was blurred and distant... the only thing that was grounding him was the firm hand of his brother.

"Sam you with me?"

"Yeah... yeah, help me up."

Sam was barely steady enough to clean his teeth and rinse, splashing water on his face at the end, trying to wash the grey edges away at the same time. Everything felt like it was fading and shifting around him.

"C'mon Sasquatch. Hey you okay?"

Sam's eyes suddenly found their focus and he was staring into green eyes, crinkled with worry. For a second all Sam could see was Dean's mouth and it's so close.

And then Sam is suddenly back and glad that Dean is trying to grasp a hold of something normal and he tightens his grip on Dean's arm just a little bit more because if he opens his mouth the wrong words will come spilling out.

Suddenly there's just too much weighing on his mind and he wonders if after all this, the pain and death and broken lives, he can tell Dean how he feels and just be done with it. Get it off his chest and onto his sleeve.

If he has to hold it all in much longer he may as well go back to the burning, screeching torture of Purgatory because at least he's making amends there. Here it all just feels like he's dying all over.

Dean gets Sam back into the main room and back to the bed but then the younger boy fights him a little, a small show of strength against the hand on his chest that wants him to lie back and do nothing.

"S'okay Sammy."

Dean wants him to sit still but Sam knows they have to move, do something, anything that will divert his attention. All of a sudden the room is no bigger than a closet and Dean is pressed up against him in the dark and the only thing he can breathe is gun oil and leather.

Dean's not sure but he thinks that Sam is having a panic attack. Quick panting breaths and small noises that sound like Sam is ten years old again and thinks there's something under the bed. Even if there was something there it wouldn't matter because Dean has his finger poised on a hair trigger.

"Dean…?"

"Yeah Sammy I'm here."

Sam leans into the touch of his brother's hand. It's like a warm iron smoothing over the creases in his soul, steaming the doubt from his mind. Sam knows he'll fight against saying yes to Lucifer but right now he's on the verge of begging Dean to claim him.

"Dean…?"

Sam can see Dean watching him, knowing there's something on his mind and he almost falters because he can't bear to think of those green eyes looking at him in disgust or disappointment… not again.

Then the younger boy takes a leap of faith and almost laughs deliriously at the very notion that even this… this admission of lust for his brother will still come down to the very thing that tore everything to shreds in the first place.

Faith and hope.

"I love you." The younger boy closed his eyes as he spoke… as he confessed his sin and waited for his punishment or forgiveness.

"I know Sammy. I… I know."

There's one, maybe two seconds of opportunity when Dean looks at him frowning, head tilted slightly and questioning the tone of Sam's voice and the way he's holding his breath but then it's gone.

Sam sees Dean squeeze his eyes and shake his head as though he's seeing things and then the moment's gone… may as well have never happened and Sam's back where he started because there's no way his older brother would ever understand.

Taking a deep breath, Sam decides again, reconfirms his resolve to secrecy because he'd rather have this than lose his brother's love altogether. He needs Dean by his side, at least within arm's reach.

"You okay?"

Dean's voice is soft, way too caring for Sam's ears and he needs to move away. He might have chosen the path of hiding his real feelings but Sam's no saint… and that's already been well documented.

Sam nods, smiles crookedly and meets the older boy's eyes before he moves so his feet are on the floor and his hands are braced on the crumpled bed covers. His body shifts away so there's space between them and Dean's hand hovers restlessly in the air before he stands and walks across the room.

There's something missing from the way Dean moves and Sam can't quite put his finger on it, weariness maybe… resignation. All he knows is he loves his brother and Dean is the only thing that stands between him holding it together and losing himself in this war that's too big to comprehend or even understand.

Apocalypse.

Dean is the only thing that makes sense in this chaos.

A shift in the air and the flutter of something not earthly… wings… and Sam is taken back to burning fire and merciless pain as his body is laid bare... flayed to the bone. He cringes as he waits for the pain… knows he can't stop it… knows he deserves it.

"Sammy…shhhh… s'okay."

He feels arms around him and he's on the floor but he doesn't remember moving off the bed. Sam can feel his body shaking and when he looks up he can feel his heart beating too fast and it hurts his chest. There's an angel in the room… it's come to take him back and he can't help the fear.

"Sam look at me. Sammy."

And he looks into the green eyes and it's Dean and everything's going to be okay… because it's Dean.

"Am I going back now?" Sam tries to control the sobs that wrack his body because the memory is still so fresh… so terrifying... and he's so scared.

"Shhh, no Sammy… you're safe… s'okay, it's Castiel… you're okay."

"Dean… don't let go… please don't let me go."

"I've got you Sammy… I won't let you go."

Sam curls up in the warmth of his big brother and pretends that he's safe. There's a part of him that knows the devil wants his soul and the fate of the world rests on their shoulders but right here... right now… Dean is the only thing that fills his heart.

Dean is the only thing that matters.

_**snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn**_

"Lucifer is recruiting and I'm not sure how many there are but it will be anarchy."

Dean sat on the bed beside his brother, Sam's body leaning a little against his shoulder as they watched Castiel pace. The angel seemed more tense, more agitated than Dean could remember him ever being before.

"So what're we looking at Cas.. . ten, twenty, thirty angels going over to the dark side?"

"I didn't count Dean. One is more than I would have hoped but I seem to be rather naïve regarding issues of free will it seems."

Dean smiled affectionately at the angel. "No Cas your standards are just a little higher than most… everyone. "

"Thank you Dean. I am grateful for your… observation. All accounts indicate that Lucifer is very confident of not only acquiring his vessel but of binding souls with Sam's consent. "

"No. No I wouldn't… I wouldn't Dean. I know I've been weak... am weak... but I'll die before I give in to him I swear."

"Don't talk like Sam. I know you won't say yes and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you so we'll be strong together okay? We'll find a way."

Dean noticed Sam shift away from him and he frowned at the loss of warmth and contact.

"I told you we'd find a way before... before Zachariah took me... except I had no idea then and I don't know what to do now." Sam took a breath as he smiled ruefully. "Maybe you should have left me in Purgatory... at least Lucifer couldn't get in and I couldn't make it worse."

"If we returned you to Purgatory..." Castiel directed his eyes towards Sam.

"Hold it right there Cas, there's no way..."

"I know that Dean. Even if we returned you to Purgatory Sam, Lucifer will still wreak havoc on this earth until he can be stopped. A beings greatest weakness can often be found within its greatest strength. You Sam, might be the double edged sword we need to defeat Lucifer."

Dean's eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened as the angel walked over and stood in front of the younger boy next to him.

"The final seal that unleashed Lucifer was broken with blood spilt by the Devils true vessel... it may be possible to mend that seal with blood and throw the Devil back into his cage."

"You told me I was the one that had to get this done since I broke the first seal... I don't understand how Sam can help here." Dean's voice belied his concern at the turn in conversation and he stood up, intense green eyes meeting Castiel's gaze.

"You may have to spill Sam's blood."

Castiel lifted his chin, not backing away from the older hunter.

"You know I won't do that."

"I'm not suggesting you kill your brother Dean... maybe you just need to blood the seal."

Sam had watched the exchange silently as Castiel's words sank in but now he rose up to full height between the angel and his brother.

"I'll do whatever I have to do to fix this. Will Dean be in any danger Cas?"

"No one will be safe Sam. Lucifer will do whatever he can to prevent being caged but he will also take risks to achieve the power he seeks. You will be the bait and Dean will be the sword… as long as you are both bound to each other in heart and soul you will have the power to fight Lucifer."

"But there's no guarantees that we'll win are there?"

"No Dean. The only thing guaranteed is that we will all die if we do nothing."

_**snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn**_

It all happened so quickly Dean's head was still spinning.

Hours after Castiel had told them about the army Lucifer was gathering, they had both frozen in place as the room lights flickered and then plunged them into semi darkness.

Dean and Sam had both been sitting side by side at the small coffee table in the room, laptop, books and handwritten notes strewn between them. Castiel had been gone for over an hour, sent on an errand to gather ingredients for the charms and sigils they needed.

They did have a plan. Finally.

It wasn't exactly agreed to wholeheartedly by all parties, particularly since Dean had completely vetoed anything involving Sam confronting, baiting, entrapping... getting anywhere the fuck near Lucifer on his own. Castiel had decided to sit this fight out after incurring the wrath of Dean with his initial suggestion to let Sam decide.

Sam had argued passionately about wanting to fix what he'd started but he wasn't at full strength and certainly no match for Dean and a full throttle of stubborn big brother protectiveness.

Sam's weary resignation only fuelled Dean's resolve to find another way.

Dean had watched his brother since Castiel had left them, furtive glances at the younger boy's slumped body and exhausted eyes. All he wanted was to get Sam, get them both the hell out of dodge and somewhere safe long enough for his brother to recover and get some strength. As the lights began to flicker and he met his brother's fearful eyes he knew it wasn't going to happen.

The war was on their doorstep again and there was no escape. There never was.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, I know."

Dean was already halfway to the weapons bag when the lights stayed off. A dull light still seeped in through the curtained window, enough to find rifles and extra salt shots. He checked the chambers of each gun as Sam got out flasks of holy water and lay them on the bed.

"D'you think it's him?"

Dean heard the slight waiver in his brother's voice and felt the anger rise up at how vulnerable they were, how they had been played by both sides and how much it had cost them.

"Probably just his flunkies. There's no way Lucifer's gonna show up at this dive."

The older boy frowned and turned his head as he heard Sam's quiet chuckle.

"What?"

"Flunkies, Lucifer... sounds like we're in some insane cartoon episode of good versus evil." Sam eyes dropped. "'Cept we're living it right?"

"Yeah we're living it Sam but we have got one big advantage..."

"What's that?"

"Me!" Dean smirked and raised his eyebrows. "I'm Batman remember?"

"Well howling hellhounds Batman, I'm just glad you're on my side!"

Dean handed his brother a rifle and spare salt rounds. "Always am Sammy."

Sam met the older boys eyes and he nodded, understanding that the meaning of Dean's words went far beyond their current conversation.

"Thank you."

Sam's quiet words were followed by the sounds of breaking glass in the small bathroom behind them. Dean gestured at Sam to cover him as he advanced towards the closed door, rifle held firm as he paused slightly before kicking the door in.

Even in the dim light it was evident there was no threat. As Dean felt Sam move beside him, the front door burst open and the younger boy quickly raised his rifle, stepping forward to cover them.

Immediately Dean moved so he stood shoulder to shoulder alongside Sam, weapon pointed at the silhouetted figure in the doorway.

"Two for the price of one and no angel guarding the merchandise. And I was led to believe the mighty Winchesters would be a challenge."

"Well whoever... whatever demon you are, seems like you're suffering from a little salt allergy." Dean smirked as he realised the line of salt across the doorway was still intact and holding for the moment at least. "Maybe I can help you with that."

Dean fired one shot but the demon was already gone and both boys moved towards the door to give chase.

It filled the doorway, gun in hand as Dean was within three feet. Sam slightly behind and shielded by his brother.

"S'okay Sam, I'm not supposed to damage the vessel...too much." The demon motioned with his head and Sam was thrown across the room, crashing into the wall.

"Sammy?" Dean called out to his brother and looked back, momentarily distracted.

The sound of the gunshot was loud and Sam struggled to clear his vision as he scrambled up off the floor, hand grasping at the weapon beside him.

"Dean?"

Sam's senses were reeling as his eyes took in the still body of his brother and the blood seeping through his shirtfront. "No!"

Swaying on his feet, Sam aimed and stopped as he realised the demon's gun was still pointed towards Dean.

"That's right Sam. You might shoot me but I'll bet I can manage to put another round of lead in your brother first. If he's not dead yet he will be."

Sam pointed the rifle down slightly, finger still poised over the trigger. "Go."

"Oh I will but you're coming with me. There's someone who's dying to meet you, get under your skin."

Sam shook his head, eyes drawn down to Dean as he willed his brother to move or show some sign of life. It took every last piece of will power not to drop to his knees and check on his brother but he knew he had to wait, make sure Dean didn't get hurt more.

"I won't say yes to him. I'd rather die."

"Well like I said, I can't damage you too much but your brother…" The demon shrugged and gave an oily smile. "…well he's expendable."

Sam could see the demon's trigger finger move and he threw his body forward as the shot rang out so loud in the room. He landed partially across Dean's inert body, waiting for the pain that never came.

There was a loud commotion at the door and then a bright flash and Sam understood the demon was gone and someone else was pulling him up, pulling him away from his brother and it sent sparks of fury through him.

"NO!"

"Sam there is not much time."

"Cas?"

"Yes. I must get you away from here, Lucifer is on his way and you are not ready."

"Dean's hurt he… God Cas he needs a hospital he's hurt."

"I am sorry Sam there are greater things at stake here. Dean would understand and I hope you will too eventually."

"No! Castiel my brother needs a hospital, please."

"Sam you need to take care of your brother. I am sending you somewhere safe but I don't know how long you will have. You need to prepare yourself because Lucifer intends to find you and he will."

"If Dean…. please Cas, please I need your help. Please."

"I will do what I can Sam but you need to understand the world is at stake here. I will do what I can."

Sam moved desperately towards his brother but his steps faltered at the pull of the all too familiar movement of time and space.

"Stay with me Dean. Please… God Dean please don't leave me.""

_**snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn**_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The semi darkness of the motel room was replaced with the dim glow of candles and an icy chill that made Sam shiver.

It took Sam a few seconds to understand he was now standing in what seemed to be a cave, their belongings strewn about the floor and lit candles scattered around them in the dirt.

"Dean."

Sam moved towards the older boy lying on the floor just ahead of him, and slowly knelt down. His whole body ached and a tight pain flared across his back as he bent over the still form. Just as his hand touched the bloodied shirt, Dean's eyes fluttered opened and he gave a low moan.

"Dean, hey you with me?"

Sam's voice was whisper soft as he quickly began peeling his brother's shirt away to check the wound.

"Mmm...yeah...m'good."

Sam shook his head, hands gently probing his brother's skin as he tried to force back the sting of hot tears. There was so much blood and Dean gasped and curled in on himself as Sam's fingers found the bullet wound. It was a stomach shot and as Sam carefully probed around his brother's back he felt the slick warmth where the bullet had torn through the other side.

"Okay…okay, we've just gotta stop the bleeding Dean. Then I'm gonna get you to a hospital. I'll make Cas take you to a hospital." Sam quickly scrambled over to their duffel bags and grabbed towels, thankful Castiel seemed to have moved all their belongings when he had transported them out of the motel room.

"Exit wound huh?" Dean's voice was laboured. "S'not good." He grimaced as his brother placed a folded towel firmly against his back.

"Doesn't matter, s'gonna be okay. M'gonna get you fixed up."

"Sam, Cas put us here to keep us safe for as long as he can. He's marked Enochian sigils on the walls to keep everything out, including angels. He can't help us right now."

"Then I'll carry you out, call an ambulance, flag someone down…"

"Sammy you need to get the trap ready man, stick to the plan." Dean groaned as the younger boy pressed down on his stomach to staunch the blood flow.

"NO! I'll fucking stitch you up myself Dean. M'gonna fix you…don't care about fucking plans or traps or… you're gonna be okay. I'm gonna look after you, s'okay."

'Sammy…" Dean placed a hand over the younger boys arm, closing his eyes briefly against the pain. "…listen to me. Make the trap… please. If Lucifer gets in here and we're not ready..." Dean's eyes squeezed shut as he tried to breathe through a flare of agony, not wanting to alarm Sam anymore than he already was. "…use my blood. Make it count for something Sam. Put it to use."

"Dean, no... m'gonna fix you."

"Shhh Sammy. I know okay, I know you're gonna look after me... s'just you gotta do this first okay. Finish the job first then patch ourselves up, remember what Dad taught us. We're gonna bring him down Sammy. We're gonna send Lucifer back to hell and that's worth a little pain. Saving the world is worth a little sacrifice Sam, s'okay."

Sam shook his head, tears streaming down his face now. "Not worth losing you. I'd rather die Dean. I can't lose you."

"C'mere kiddo."

Dean pulled the younger boy in close with one arm, the warmth of Sam's body felt so good he just wanted to never let go. He could feel tremors starting to shake through his body and knew he probably didn't have a lot of time to play with, he knew there was too much blood even if Sam wouldn't acknowledge it. The older boy could also feel the snaking slice of fire spreading through his belly as the initial shock wore off and his body registered the damage.

"All we can do for now is put pressure on." Dean was already lying on the towel that had been wedged against the hole in his back so he placed his hand over Sam's that pressed against his stomach. "Let me do this while you get the trap ready."

"Dean I can't…"

"I'm right here Sammy." Dean gently gripped his brother's wrist and moved it to slide his own hand in its place. "You can do this."

Sam's eyes travelled down to the feel of Dean's hand around his wrist and he gently moved it to rest over the older boy's fingers, tracing them lightly. He nodded once before he stood on shaking legs, his jaw aching from the strain of holding back the sob or the scream or whatever it was that was trying to escape from his chest.

_ snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

Sam worked quickly with the practised ease of someone who had drawn far too many devil's traps and blood sigils in his short life. He had stopped often to check on Dean, give him water and make sure he was comfortable but the knowledge that his brother was in bad shape also spurred him on to get the job done.

Drawing the serrated blade of his hunting knife down his left forearm, Sam cut quick and uncaring just like the previous two slices across his bicep. His left arm was a mess but it was easier to cut again than try and scrape off the drying blood from the older gashes to reopen the wounds.

"Sam stop…" Dean words were raw and punctuated with panting breaths."…use this…please."

Sam glanced briefly over at his brother, not allowing himself to feel or just curl up around the older boy like he wanted to so badly. He shook his head, eyes back on the bloody red symbol he was painting. "No, s'gonna be my blood Dean. I'm gonna paint Lucifer in my blood before I kill him. He's gonna pay for everything he's done to us I swear."

Wiping his hand down his jeans, Sam stood up and looked over the finished circle of intricate symbols and patterns. His skin prickled from the energy it omitted as the spells he had used to form the trap pulsed almost alive with power.

Dean listened to the hard edge of despair that was evident in his brother's voice and it filled him with dread. Lucifer would only feed off Sam's rage and use it against him, use it to twist everything around and poison Sam enough to weaken him.

"Not 'bout killing him Sam… can't… can't do it. Y'gotta trap him…throw him back in s'cage."

Dean felt frustration build as his thoughts jumbled and he pushed his heels in the dirt and groaned low as he slid himself more upright against the rock wall. The warmth of fresh blood slid over his hip as he moved but he needed to make Sam understand, make him listen.

He squinted down at his body, vision blurring a little as he realised only one foot had moved. The leg on the side of his injury lay motionless in the dirt, blood covering his jeans half way down his thigh. Realising his hand had slid off the towel, Dean found he could barely lift it up off the ground.

"Dean?"

Sam was by his side in an instant, moving his hand out of the dirt and leaning in close and his younger brother felt like a damn furnace and for once he was glad.

"Oh God Dean…fuck there's so much now…wasn't like this when I checked before… I didn't know… took me too long…"

Sam's hands were all over him at once and Dean could only sag into them in relief. Wondering why he had never noticed before how safe he felt in his baby brother's arms.

"S'okay Sammy. S'gonna be 'kay now jus… you stick t'the fucking plan Sammy. Remember what Cas said… remember family… remember t'stay strong, not angry. Remember me."

Dean swallowed down a cough that gurgled wet up his throat and felt like it split his chest in two. "Fuck…"

"Easy, take it easy Dean. Don't talk 'kay… just breathe."

Sam's fear was a living thing as he saw the bright red blood that ran from the corner of his brother's mouth and he clutched Dean against him so he could still see his brother's face. Sam smiled tight, throat convulsing and lips quivering as he started to speak.

"What you saw in heaven it was… it was all wrong Dean. I don't know how Zachariah changed it, he knew I wanted to hide it from you I guess but what you saw wasn't right wasn't real. I don't remember when it started..." Sam smiled as he shook his head. "…kinda feels like I've always felt this way but I was scared… fuck I am scared okay. I didn't want you to know cause I'd didn't want you to… hate me, leave me… please don't hate me."

"Couldn't hate you Sam. I don't understand…w'never hate you."

"The way I feel it's… it's more than a brother should feel and I'm sorry Dean… I'm sorry but I can't not feel this way and I can't hold it inside anymore. I want you to know. I just want you to know."

Sam wiped a hand across his eyes as he stifled a sob and looked down, eyes fixing on the red gore that covered his brother. "I'm sorry Dean… I just… I just need you to know how I feel… and… and I love you, never wanted anything but you… always just you."

Sam felt like he had torn open his heart now and everything was spilling out as fast as the blood was leaving Dean's body. He knew deep down he was powerless to stop either one.

"The only thing that kept me together… kept me whole when Zachariah took me was you…thinking about you. Know I've hurt you… done things I can't take back but…"

Dean could hardly get air into his lungs and maybe it was the fact that his body was shutting down, bleeding out but maybe… just maybe it was the almost inconceivable notion that Sam had just declared his love. Sam had just spoken out loud what Dean had been hiding in his heart for years since just before Sam had left for Stanford and that kind of dawning shock… that could take your breath away.

And then Sam's mouth was so close and Sam's hitching breath was so unsure, so hopeful and fearful and just right there… so close but he couldn't move. All Dean wanted to do was lean into his brother's lips and stay there forever but his body failed him.

"Sammy…"

And his brother's name slipped from his mouth like a prayer, asked and answered in one word even as he coughed wet and hard.

The candles flickered and the stone walls around them began to vibrate. It was similar to a minor tremor, nothing more than a rattle and shake that loosened dirt but it meant much more.

"How very sad and touching. I didn't mean to intrude on your moment boys but you did all this for me…" Lucifer spread his arms wide to indicate the markings covering the cave wall and floor. "…and I don't like to miss a party."

Lucifer frowned as he glanced around the room. "But I see you've banned my fellow guests from entering which I gotta say is a little rude."

Sam turned his tear streaked face to the newcomer, giving Dean's hand a squeeze. "Not interested in what you want… just how hard you're gonna die."

"Oh Sammy such harsh words from my own blood but I'll live. More than I can say for Dean though… the boy's only got a few minutes left I'd say so go ahead and say your goodbyes… after all this time a few more minutes won't lessen my pleasure.

"You son of a bitch…" Sam screamed, tensing his body for action.

"Sam…no." Dean found the strength to flex his fingers around his brother's hand although his words were whisper soft. "Please."

Sam's eyes went back to his brother, senses firing on high alert and so strung out but Lucifer was in the trap for now and Dean was… dying.

Dying.

It was like hitting a brick wall at full speed and Sam felt dazed and stunned as the shock of reality finally hit him right between the eyes.

"Dean." Suddenly it didn't matter that the Apocalypse was closing in fast and the Devil was an arm's length away just waiting to break him down. Grief spilled across Sam's features and streaked down through the blood smeared on his face.

The younger boy shifted so he held Dean across his body, face leaning in close as his brother's lips moved to speak.

"M'sorry… fucked this up."

"No! Dean please… you hold on. Don't you give up okay."

"Smmy… love you, always have…jus too…too scared t'tell you… Ohfuck…"

Dean groaned and tried to curl in on himself.

"Hey…hey stay with me Dean."

"Want you… want y'to kiss me… pls Sam… jus kissme."

Sam's chest ached so much he could barely breathe and as he leant down carefully to his brother's mouth, the younger boy's tears fell like rain.

Dean's lip were cold… too cold but as soon as Sam pushed against them Dean's tongue moved inside his mouth and he closed his eyes just drinking in the feel of his brother. Sam's hand caressed the side of Dean's face and then slid behind to support his neck as the older boy strained to keep the contact between them.

The feel of Sam's lips against his own, so soft, so loving. It was like a dream… surreal… the feel of his brother's mouth against his own was more than he had ever thought would happen, it was better than anything he could have imagined and it made his heart soar. Dean relaxed into the kiss and the warmth of Sam's mouth and felt at peace for the first time in a long time.

Sam felt Dean sigh and relax and pulled away, panting softly.

"Dean…?"

A pause that lasted forever and then his heart shattered into a million tiny fragments in seconds waiting for the reply, waiting for some acknowledgement.

"Dean? No… no… don't do this. You don't get to fucking do this… not now…" Sam shook with anguish and sobs as he gently folded Dean's body against him, never taking his eyes away from his brother's eyes in case they opened.

They didn't.

"He's gone and left you Sam."

Instead a soft, almost caring voice behind him made him startle because he had forgotten the Devil was patiently waiting to play a game of Apocalypse now or never.

Something snapped inside the young hunter and left a void, some release of everything good and true that had held him together and made him whole. In its place, a deep dark rage swirled and eddied, gathering power and fury as it writhed beneath his now eerily calm exterior.

Sam's mouth was set in a hard line, nostrils flaring as he caught his breathe and gripped his anger tight with both hands as he felt it grow.

Moving slowly he placed Dean on the ground and lingered over his brother's face, the last of Sam's tears slipped off his face as though they knew they didn't belong there any longer. Instead they fell on the older boy's face and neck as Sam placed a soft kiss on his brother's forehead.

"I'll always love you Dean."

Sam took a breath and stood up, turning away from the last piece of his humanity. Turning his back on rationale and sanity and love and embracing all that was left.

Rage and revenge.

"You killed my brother and now I'm going to kill you."

"Well actually it was a well placed bullet Sam and if you had just come along quietly, Dean would still be living to fight another day… well maybe even another few days depending on how bored I got." Lucifer smiled knowingly. "We both knew in the end it would be come down to you and me. We're gonna rule the world Sammy… eventually."

"No and it's Sam…"

"Oh because only Dean gets to call you that, my bad… but who's gonna take his place now Sam? Who's gonna be the one to tuck you in at night and whisper sweet lies in your ear?"

"Dean never lied…"

"Oh really? I could've sworn he just told you loved you in that inappropriate more than a brother way just before he drained away."

"Don't you…" Sam's fists clenched until his nails made bloody crescents in his palms. "…don't you talk about my brother. I know now he loved me like I loved him. You're not going to change that."

"Hmmm y'think? Dean didn't want you like that, not really. Did you honestly think your big brother would want to fuck his twisted little baby brother? Oh Sam, so naive. You know Dean would do anything, SAY anything to save you... anything at all even... well I think you get the picture. I mean he was one self sacrificing bastard. And let's face it Sam, he knew he wouldn't have to really DO anything what with the dying and all."

"No... he wouldn't do that... he wanted to be with me... he loved me."

"Because he's told you this so many times before or... oh wait... did he suddenly want to screw you after I arrived on the scene? He knew about the half assed rumour that bonding with you would stop us being all powerful and avert the Apocalypse blah, bah, blah. Well I guess it was easier than killing you... for him anyway."

"Stop it. You're lying..."

"Why would he tell you something like before he died Sam? Why would he make it harder for you to lose him than it was already going to be? If you really loved someone you wouldn't do that."

Sam's head was a chaos of emotions and he just wanted to lash out, expend the energy and be done with it. He just wanted it to be over and at this point he didn't care about the outcome as long as he was done. Everything Lucifer was saying rang true but it didn't matter anymore because he was alone no matter how this played out.

"I don't care. M'gonna finish this."

"Okay then send me home Sam, I'm getting kinda bored now anyways. It's been nice but I'll wait for you, some other time some other place."

"No I'm not sending you to hell I'm ending you."

"Really? And me in my rule the world outfit an'all…knew I should've worn black…but wait can you really do that?"

Sam walked purposefully over to their weapons bag and removed the sword of Michael, the weight of the weapon almost comforting in his hand. "As it turns out not all angels are dicks."

Lucifer glanced past Sam as a bright spark of light caught his attention before he threw his hands up in the air. "Okay you got me… free shot Sam."

Sam watched as the vessel of the older man turned his back and sat down on the ground, hands on his head. He walked to the edge of the circle breathing heavy, knew it was a set up but still if he was fast. The young hunter's hands were steady even as his heart thudded wildly in his chest.

"Here let me move a little closer Sam, wouldn't want you to wait too long and have Dean's cold empty body start to stink up the place."

Anger welled up inside Sam then, overflowing and running hot and scorching through his veins. He knew he couldn't stop it when his hands raised above his head so he went with it and screamed with every ounce of pent up anguish and hatred as the sword came down and struck Lucifer with an almighty blow that should've sheared his vessel in half and shredded the demon's soul.

A bright flash of exploding light flared through the cave and for a few minutes there was nothing but stillness.

Against a corner of the cave wall another small spark of light, a tiny flame in comparison to the other, burned bright for seconds before it too burnt out, slightly searing the flesh beneath it.

Dean gasped in a panicked breath and then another as though his body had forgotten how.

He sat up in dazed confusion and looked around the empty cave.

"Sammy?"

_ snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Summary**: Sam's idea of heaven shatters Dean's heart and he realises now he can never confess his true feelings for his brother and he just wants to walk away from it all. But when Sam is taken by Zachariah and sent to Purgatory, they are thrown headlong into a battle against the devil. With the help of Castiel, the brother's devise a plan to defeat Lucifer but unless they are truly bound to each other… Sam will be lost forever. The secrets they are both keeping might just get them both killed. _

_AU ending for "Dark Side of the Moon"_

**Chapter 10**

Dean shivered uncontrollably as he rolled over and pushed himself up on all fours, head hanging low as he squeezed his eyes shut to try and clear the pounding in his head.

"Sammy?"

His yell ended in a cough and he remembered the feeling, the taste of copper in his mouth as he sat back with his legs folded beneath him. Running a hand under his blood soaked shirt he found no gaping hole, no bandages and definitely no healing wound. Maybe just the faint trace of a scar as though this had happened years not moments or hours ago.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Dean's thoughts began rewinding and a small strangled sob escaped his lips as he remembered Sam holding him, tears running down his brother's face.

The last memory he had was of Sam kissing him.

The ache that spread through his chest had nothing to do with the echo of any bullet wound and it spurred him into scrambling to his feet, and staggering over to the blood circle his brother had made. The candles surrounding the circle had been extinguished and a sword lay across the red perimeter, scorched black from hilt to blade.

"Sammy what did you do?" Dean's whispered voice belied his anguish.

He turned then and stumbled over to the cave wall and used his pocketknife to scratch through several of the Enochian markings. He needed help to find Sam and the only way that was going to happen was to remove the barrier.

"Cas please. I need your help. Please."

A wave of vertigo had him lurching into the hard rock, face pressed against the unforgiving stone as he refused to allow his body to submit to exhaustion or whatever the hell he was feeling.

His younger brother had poured out his heart, described his struggle and anguish and declared his love and as the words finally began sinking in for Dean, everything clicked into place. Dean's head sank down against his chest as tears filled his eyes.

Maybe if he had told Sam how he had felt sooner none of this would have happened. Sam would never have felt like he had to hide his feelings and Zachariah would never had been given the chance to take his brother and torture him in Purgatory and Sam wouldn't be with Lucifer right now.

Sam would be safe in his arms.

"Castiel!"

Dean's yell echoed around the cave walls but there was no answer to his desperate plea.

Dean finally sank to the ground with an aching heart and the memory of Sam's lips pressed against his own.

_snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

Sam's hands are on fire and it's bringing back too many memories of Purgatory for his thoughts to focus clearly. The burn seems to ignite his whole body in a flash flood of intensity and then he's just lying there, looking up at the Devil.

The young hunter watches as the now too familiar face of Lucifer breaks into a knowing smile that makes Sam's blood run cold.

"Nicely done Sam. The anger and rage you channelled through that sword... well I can honestly say I'm impressed."

"What... what happened? Where are we?"

"Well my boy, you just proved that you've got more power bubbling under your skin than even I knew about. We're safe for now that's all you need to know. Oh Sam the things we're gonna do together... there's no limit. Do you understand that? No one... no angel, no demon, no God... will stand in our way."

"No." Sam shook his head in denial, shocked and dazed by the words.

"When you poured all your hate and energy through that sword and into my vessel, into me... you opened up a channel, a gate between us Sam. I wasn't really sure it would work after all the hype about the Sword of Michael and how it affects those that use it... how it can open up what's really inside you."

Lucifer smirked.

"You're more like me than you think Sam."

"No... no..." Sam is shaking and blinking and trying not to remember the savage feeling that had raped his mind and soul along with the burning pain when he had wielded the heavy weapon in revenge...

_Lustpowerwantneed_

_... _if he blocked it out then he couldn't give himself the chance to remember that other piece of knowledge that was lurking in the dark recess of his denial.

It had felt good.

It was like something had broken inside him, in his head, and what had spilt out of the crack was dirty and rotting and evil.

"No... I'm nothing like you. I'll never say yes... I'd rather die."

"You won't die Sam."

Lucifer crouched down, arm extended and Sam lashed out with a fisted hand and then scrambled to his feet. All that anger and pain he had felt when he had used the sword was still there inside him, eating him alive. Hate mixed with terror but mostly despair for what he had lost. Dean was dead...

_Dean was dead._

... and even just remembering that fact was like slashing another piece of his broken heart out... there was no point trying to salvage anything.

Dean was dead...

_Dean was dead._

... and Sam's only mission now was revenge.

His fists hit Lucifer's vessel, hard hitting punches that jarred his own muscles from the impact. At the same time, Sam's mind projected a ferocious blow aimed at the demon within the vessel. He wasn't amped up on demon blood but was determined to hurt Lucifer any way he could, even if it meant frying his own brains in the process.

He could feel the Devil's black soul on the edge of his grasp and he mentally threw himself at it. It was like an explosion of pain in his mind and for a second he froze. Arms locked mid-punch and grim determination on his face, Sam's head snapped back as his eyes rolled in his head and blood dripped from his nose.

The young hunter felt himself falling and his body jerked fitfully as he hit the ground without being able to control his descent. He knew ...hoped ... this was the end of the road for him, and he tried to think of something good to hold on to, take with him.

_Dean kissed him_.

But it slipped through his fingers...

_Dean was dead_.

"I would never kill you Sammy." Lucifer's hand slid over the young boy's face almost tenderly, pausing to brush away the long strands of brown hair from Sam's eyes. He touched a finger to Sam's forehead, ignoring the weakened arms that were still desperately trying to fight him.

"And I can't take you until you want me... but now at least I can let you see through my eyes. Now I can help you understand."

Sam's eyes fluttered closed and his body stilled.

_snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

He stood on the shores of a vast beach. The sun was setting and red and golden hues leached across the azure sky and reflected off the almost silken surface of the ocean.

It was peaceful, perfect.

In the blink of an eye, the skies had turned grey and dirty and the sea boiled blood red as rotting bodies tumbled in the crashing surf and were dragged on to the sand by the incoming tide and abandoned.

The sounds of pain and gunfire filled the air and all Sam could smell was death. The knowledge of this destruction and waste suddenly filled his head, the story of mankind and all that had gone before filled his senses like a million buzzing bees and it was too much.

Sam's prone body moved feebly as he whimpered in his struggle to escape from the images being planted in his mind.

He was in an immense garden filled with angels and another presence so beautiful and wondrous that tears filled his eyes. Sam watched the fall of the Morning Star, saw how his grace was ripped from him as he defied his Father, his God, and stood alone in the presence of his brothers and sisters. The hunter witnessed the tears that fell from Michael's face as Lucifer stood defiant and refused to pledge his subservience to mankind.

Sam watched as Michael obeyed his Father and cast his younger brother into hell.

Sam stood trembling amidst the screaming and flaming depths of hell as the true form of Lucifer brought a clawed hand to his shoulder.

"Do you see Sam? We were both cast out because we were strong, abandoned by our family and told not to return. We were both misunderstood."

"Dean never abandoned me… I... I left."

"He let you walk away when you were hurting and he only found you when he needed you, when he was desperate."

"He loves me."

"He has told you what you wanted to hear Sam… and now he's gone and you have nothing. If he had loved you he would have never brought you back when you had died, he would have understood why you drank demon blood, he would never have discarded the amulet. If he loved you he would have seen that this is your destiny but instead he has tried to tear you down… called you a monster and threatened to hunt you."

"No… Dean knew I didn't mean... I'm not… I'm not evil… "

"I know that Sam. I know who you really are… you are my blood."

"NO! Not like you...m'not. Dean? Dean... please help me."

"Your brother is dead Sam, you need to move on now. It's what he would want you to do and you don't want to disappoint him. Not again."

Sam's unconscious body trembled on the ground, head shaking in denial as he was unable to escape from the forced nightmare. Lucifer sat beside him smiling softly as he continued to speak and project thoughts and images into the mind of his intended vessel.

_snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

Dean felt the air move around him and his head snapped up, instantly alert. As he scrambled to his feet, bracing a hand against the wall, his breathing steadied out as he recognised Castiel and the angel Tahariel.

About to voice his anger at being left here when Sam needed him, the young hunter blinked in astonishment at the dishevelled appearance of both angels.

"What the hell happened?"

"The war has started Dean… it is not going well for us."

Castiel's head tilted in question as he frowned at the boy in front of him. "You are alive. You were dead."

Dean scoffed at the angel's lack of emotion. "Apparently so Cas… and thanks for the concern."

"I am sorry Dean. I knew you would understand it was more important to prepare for Lucifer and the trap needed to be set. Sam needed to be ready…"

"Sam's gone and… wait… you didn't do this, bring me back?"

"We were leading an army inside the battlefield of Westfield. We could not breach the symbols in this cave until they were broken from the inside as planned." Tahariel's deep voice entered the conversation. ""Only Lucifer could enter once the trap was ready and no one should have been able to get back out until we had removed the warding spells."

"Well good job with that. I'm not sure exactly what went down except I'm pretty sure Sam tried to kill Lucifer with the sword." Dean nodded his head in the direction of the blood circle.

"The sword was with you for safe keeping, he should not have used the weapon. In the wrong hands it has other powers."

"What do you mean Cas? Sam isn't exactly the wrong hands either, he wants Lucifer to go down as much as… probably more than any of us."

Castiel sighed and looked up towards the ceiling in hesitation before returning Dean's stare. "You are the true sword of Michael Dean, and in your hands the weapon will recognise the untainted power and repel any dark soul it touches. Even for you, there are risks involved if you use it without the proper preparation. If it is wielded by… a tainted soul... it will take on that quality and not harm anything in its likeness."

"What will it do Cas?"

Dean's jaw was set in a grim line as his teeth almost ground against each other. "Castiel, what will it do?"

"It will open Sam's mind to Lucifer."

"NO! He won't let it, he's stronger than that. I… I told him how I felt…"

"He thinks you are dead Dean and his anger will make him blind to Lucifer's tricks. The demon blood in Sam's veins will be amplified by the sword."

"No… no he's strong… he won't say yes." Dean's voice dropped to a whisper.

"We hope you are right Dean. If Sam can fight Lucifer, then we have a chance."

"I know Sam. He won't give up, no matter what Lucifer tells him, he won't give up."

Tahariel glanced at Dean. "The fate of mankind rests on the shoulders of your brother. If he gives in, this Earth as you know it will end."

"And it will be heaven's fault not Sam's because you guys sit on your asses and don't do a fucking thing except talk in riddles and expect us to solve your problems. Did you ever stop and think about the lives you've destroyed, the good people that have died for good to win? There's so many that have fought the good fight and sacrificed so much but in the end it comes down to Sam versus Lucifer? C'mon guys I think someone in heaven dropped the ball on that one."

"We were not supposed to intervene, it is not God's way. Those that are rallying against our Father have set this in motion." Tahariel's anger sent a chill through the young hunter. "It was not our doing but we must be involved now to set this right."

"Then who the fuck brought me back from the dead?"

"Your brother."

It was Tahariel that spoke again, and for the first time Dean sensed he was respectful, maybe even in awe.

"Sam? How?"

"The amulet is blackened, your skin seared with the power it unleashed."

Dean's hands sought to feel the necklace and he was surprised, amazed when he felt the sting of broken skin underneath the charm. He hadn't even noticed the pain before now. "How could Sam…"

"It was Sam's tears of love, of anguish that have fallen on the amulet and unleashed its power when your life extinguished. Sam has acknowledged that you are his soulmate, his heart's desire, and that bond has ignited the power of the amulet."

Dean closed his eyes, Sam's words of honesty, of love that he had hidden all these years so fresh and raw.

He would find his brother, he would save Sam and get him back no matter the consequences.

"Where is he? Please tell me you know where Sam is."

"We think he is being protected within the army's camp. It is a very large and confusing place with many walls and levels but we cannot destroy the structure as there are too many innocents contained within and..."

Dean's head tilted as he quirked his eyebrows. "The battlefield of Westfield... you don't mean some mystical ancient field in the middle of heaven and earth do you?"

"No, it is nearby and there is a large sign proclaiming its name to all who enter... Westfield."

Taking a deep breath and trying not to laugh hysterically because this was so fucked up it was scary, Dean groaned instead. "So you're telling me that the Apocalyptic battle of the ages between demons and angels is happening right now at a Westfield Shopping Centre?"

Casitel's chin tilted up as he returned the hunter's stare. "Yes Dean I believe that is just what I said. Do you know this place because we need assistance with the... logistics. It appears to be some kind of senseless maze to entrap all who enter and each level looks the same but yet it is not."

"You find this amusing hunter?" Tahariel took a step forward. "We are fighting a battle that will end your world if we lose..."

Dean squared his shoulders, his face emotionless except for the piercing green fierceness in his eyes as he spoke in a low growl. "If Sam is lost to Lucifer then my world is already ended so no, it's not amusing to me at all. I'd rather die bloody... again... if it means my brother is saved. So if you wanna do more than sit here on your fucking righteous angel asses then let's..."

Dean felt Castiel's hand grip his shoulder and squeezed his eyes shut as the cave disappeared.

_snsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsnsn_

_a/n: I feel I have to stop and say thank you for all the wonderfully inspiring comments I have received lately (on this fic and Rolling Wheels!). I have replied to most but there are some, "rouxgaroux316" ,"Say What" and "strawberryfields" that I cannot thank via PM due to their settings...so a BIG "THANK YOU"!... *hugz*_


	11. Chapter 11

**Rating:** NC17  
**Pairings:** Sam/Dean  
**Warnings:** Angst, HurtDean, HurtSammy, Wincest, Torture, Rape,  
**Summary:** Sam's idea of heaven shatters Dean's heart and he realises now he can never confess his true feelings for his brother and he just wants to walk away from it all. But when Sam is taken by Zachariah and sent to Purgatory, they are thrown headlong into a battle against the devil. With the help of Castiel, the brother's devise a plan to defeat Lucifer but unless they are truly bound to each other… Sam will be lost forever. The secrets they are both keeping might just get them both killed.

AU ending for "Dark Side of the Moon"

**Chapter 11**

Consciousness clawed into Sam's mind with the fanfare of an incessant drumbeat. He groaned as the full force of the ache in his head became apparent and then agonising as bright light seemed to sear through his squinting eyes.

Trying to get his mind past his pain, the young hunter suddenly tensed as his body went into survival mode even before his brain caught up with his surroundings. After a lifetime of hunting and constant moving, waking up in an unfamiliar environment was second nature but not remembering how you got there normally meant trouble with a capital deep shit.

He seemed to be in some kind of workroom, floor to ceiling boxes in one corner and several metal benches across the room covered with electronic whitegoods in various stages of repair.

Sam gasped and a strangled sob escaped him as memory kicked in like a vengeful bitch and overwhelmed everything else.

Sitting up slowly, elbows braced on bent knees, Sam tried at first to stop the anguish but it poured through him like a burst dam and he couldn't… didn't want to… hold it back. His body shook and tears flowed freely down his face because he was only human after all, no matter what everyone else saw, no matter his destiny or Lucifer's plans or even the demon blood in his veins… right now he was just Sam.

He couldn't even begin to acknowledge or act upon the ingrained hunter's instincts firing through his mind and body to get up, find a weapon and a way out to keep fighting.

In that moment he was just a boy mourning his big brother, his friend, his love, everything lost between them again… for good.

_Dean was dead._

It hurt so fucking much he couldn't breathe.

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Dean led the way through the basement level car park with the angels following closely behind. There were battles going on even down here and he unsheathed the demon killing knife, glad to have the wicked looking blade in his possession.

He headed towards the stairwell but the next thing he knew he was on the ground with five foot two of manicured secretary clawing and punching at his head and body. Her face transformed into an oily smile as her black eyes came to rest on Dean's face.

"Oh jackpot." She turned her head and screamed. "I've got a Winchester here, a little help would be ..."

Dean was too busy trying to simultaneously pry her hands from around his neck and pick the knife back up to realise his assailant had been almost cut in two until she dropped down half on him, half seeping her insides out onto the concrete floor beside him.

"Oh gross." Dean looked at up Tahariel, the angel's blade still dripping red.

"Lucifer will know you are here and he will be prepared. It is best if I go alone to retrieve your brother."

"You don't go near Sam without me." Dean's voice was a low growl as he shook his head remembering how the warrior angel had tortured his brother.

Dean's stare never wavered as Tahariel gave him a fierce look before nodding slightly.

"We need to move now."

Dean's answer was to jump to his feet, grimacing at his blood spattered clothing before hefting the knife back in his hand.

"Then let's move."

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"I can take it away Sam. I can take your grief and give you whatever you want. I want to look after you." Lucifer spoke gently as he walked forwards. "It's my job now."

The young hunter's head jerked up sharply in surprise at the hated voice as panic welled inside him.

"You could never give me what I want and don't... don't you dare say that..." Sam scrambled away, still on the ground until his back was pressed against the wall. There was nowhere to run, no way to fix things and he was just so tired of being played, being used.

Being alone.

He had barely survived four months... he couldn't do it again. He wouldn't.

"Sammy?"

The young boy turned his head in shock to the sound of his brother's voice right beside him.

"No… no you're not real." Sam knew that but he couldn't make his eyes fall away from the soft smile on Dean's face, the deep green intensity in his eyes that the younger boy thought he would never see again.

"Does it matter Sam? Would you rather stay here alone and watch the world burn or come with me, be together forever? Haven't you given enough, lost enough? You tried so fucking hard Sammy, m'so proud of you."

Sam rubbed a hand roughly across his face and wondered how hard it would be to sit here forever and just let go. He took a shuddering breath because he didn't think it would really be as difficult as it should be.

"You're... you're..."

_dead_

"... I didn't save you Dean." Sam laughed harsh and brittle. "You're... dead because of me." The word tasted bitter in his mouth and it's the first time he's said it out loud in the same sentence as his brother...

_Dean is dead_

... and all it does is makes him want to run screaming away from everything, away from himself, away from this nightmare. Except he can't bear to look away from his brother's face.

"I know Sammy but I can help you now. You know I always look after you."

"I know it's not you... Lucifer wants me to say yes and I won't... I won't... I promised you."

"Then don't Sam. You don't have to do anything you don't want to okay. Just sit with me Sammy."

Sam knew this wasn't real, he had to keep telling himself that but he needed to pretend just for a while and it wouldn't hurt... he wasn't going to say yes and Dean told him it was okay. Sam frowned and hit his head back against the wall in frustration and confusion as he tried to clear the growing chaos in his mind.

He looked at his older brother's face and felt calm and whole... and right.

_something's wrong_

"We can just sit?" Sam felt almost relieved.

_something's broken_

"Yeah Sammy, just you and me."

Sam nodded and smiled at his brother, ignoring the pull of drying tears on his face.

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They advanced up the stairwell with Castiel in the lead after Dean had flatly refused to be angel whammied up onto the second floor where his brother was supposed to be held.

"No I'm not scared, this is a tactical decision." Dean glared at Castiel. "We need to know exactly what Lucifer has at his disposal. Besides you might need to use your mojo to get us outta here once we get Sammy and you don't want to use it all up."

"I would not subject you to my… whammy…unless it was necessary Dean. And I would be very gentle."

"Good to hear Cas but please… let's not have this conversation again. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

The need to have meaningless discussion was lost on the angel and Dean knew there was only one person that would really get why he was like this going into battle. One person who knew that this was Dean's tell for being nervous and anxious.

The young hunter tried not to get ahead of himself and run headlong into the area where Sam was being held. It took everything he had to focus on the here and now instead of what was happening to his brother and whether he was hurt.

In the blink of an eye, a blurred shape moved in front of him and hit Castiel with enough force to send the angel flying along the walkway and into the opposite store front.

"Cas…?"

Dean's shout of concern was cut short when he found himself face to face with half a dozen demons in human form and he was surprisingly relieved when Tahariel moved beside him.

For several seconds no one moved and then there was a chaos of motion as the warrior angel took on four of the assailants, landing ferocious blows without a backward step.

Dean smirked at the remaining two demons and cockily gestured at them to make a move as he brandished the knife.

The first attacks were predictable and poorly executed as each demon came at him separately and he easily feinted and slashed through clothing and skin but not enough to kill.

In one sudden movement, deciding that attack was the best defence, Dean used the element of surprise to his advantage as he rushed at both black eyed men, swerving at the last minute and gauging the knife deep into the larger demon's chest. He tried not to think too much about the human trapped inside, knowing in all likelihood they were aware of everything that was happening.

Maybe it was his slight hesitation as the demon was exterminated by the blade and the colour returned to the shocked eyes right in front of his face, before the eyes dulled and closed for the last time. In any event, Dean found himself flat on the ground and on the receiving end of a relentless ham like fist to his face.

As he tried to push the knife into the remaining demon, he found his hand slowly being turned around as several loud cracks signalled bones breaking in his hand. Grunting with effort, Dean could feel the tremble in his arm as it was bent back and the first slice of pain as the blade began to dig into his shoulder.

Crying out in pain as the knife was pushed in deeper, Dean managed to partially roll and use his knee between their bodies, gaining enough leverage to push the demon sideways and off him. Panting through the agony as the knife moved with his momentum, Dean didn't allow himself the luxury of acknowledging his injury as he quickly followed through with the blade and brought it down hard into the demon's sternum.

Scrambling unsteadily to his feet and seeing both angels knee deep in battle, he focused on the far end of the corridor instead as he began to move towards the room where Sam was being held.

It took him nearly twenty minutes to cover the short distance and he was bloodied and bruised by the time he stood outside the shop front but all he could think about was Sam.

There were no guards posted at the door and none to be seen once he opened the Staff Only entrance and walked inside knowing it was most likely a trap. At this point he didn't care, he would take down Lucifer himself or die trying if he had to… and he knew for damn sure that might well be on the cards.

He just needed to get to his brother… he needed Sam.

"Dean wait." Castiel's voice was hushed but alarmingly close.

"Jesus will you quit doing that."

"There is protection around this space… I cannot come in. You need to destroy the Enochian sigils so we can enter and protect you."

"Do you think Lucifer is in there?"

"He will be close by… Tahariel has led a diversion that may draw him into battle but Lucifer is smart and he will only play the game while it suits him."

"Okay got it. Destroy the sigils and get Sam out."

Dean moved forward but was stopped when the angel gripped his forearm.

"If we are killed I would like you to know that I have been proud to fight by your side Dean."

"I'm touched Cas but remind me to give you a lesson on motivational techniques when we get outta here." Dean glanced up and met the angels stare, nodding briefly in acknowledgment of the words he couldn't voice as he pulled the door open. "Let's kick some demon ass."

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Sam flinched and opened his eyes when he felt a hand on his knee.

"It's okay Sam, I just want… I just want to touch you. Is that okay?"

"I can't… you're not real." Sam's whispered voice sounded so lost in the empty room.

"I'm as real as you want me to be. Do you want me to be real, to be here with you?"

"Yes. S'all I do want but… Dean…" Sam shook his head and hit it back against the wall. "…I know I can't have this. It's too late."

"Can you feel this Sam, can you feel me?"

Sam was panting now as he watched his brother's hand glide up along his thigh and he closed his eyes as he felt Dean's touch firm and sure and real.

"Yes."

Heart racing, Sam was lost in the sensations when he felt another hand against his face as a warm body pressed between his bent knees.

There were alarm bells ringing somewhere inside the young hunter's head but they had been drowned out by his grief and this sudden chance to hold onto something he wanted so very badly.

As his knees dropped to the sides and his brother filled the space in between, Sam's hands frantically clutched at his brother's body when he felt Dean's lips press against his own then move away.

"Do you really want this Sam? You can have it, you can have me if you just say yes. We can be together and you won't have to worry about anything Sammy."

Sam felt his body shaking, he knew he was losing it, knew his brother was dead but this felt so real, so good. He had to be strong because he promised Dean but everything was getting so hazy and he could hardly remember what was so important, why couldn't he just say yes and stay here like this. It might not be real but it was better than being lost and alone.

"Can't, I can't… promised." Sam ran a hand across his face. "Want to… but I can't."

"Then I have to go Sam."

"No, please don't go."

"I'm sorry Sam but if you don't want me I can't stay."

Sam looked around the empty room, eyes wide as he feverishly called out.

"Don't leave me."

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There was a steady thumping sound coming from the far corner of the room and Dean advanced slowly and cautiously around the benches and rows of boxes until he had a clear view.

Sam was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up around his chest and arms cradling his head as though he was in pain. Dean watched as his brother rocked back and forth, slamming his head into the wall in a steady rhythm of despair.

"Sammy?" It came out more of a half strangled sob and Dean didn't recognise the raw sound as his own voice.

"Sam, it's me." He knelt down beside his brother, hand hovering in the air indecisively before finally reaching out and touching.

Dean froze at the startled gasp and shocked dark eyes that greeted him as his hand fell upon Sam shoulder.

"S'okay Sammy."

"Dean?" Sam frowned as he spoke quietly, almost to himself. "You came back, didn't think you'd come back again."

"I just got here Sam, gonna get you out now." Dean glanced around the room, finally seeing the blood drawn symbols on the opposite wall.

Sam laughed and it sounded sad and lost. "I know you not real, not gonna trick me. I just want… just want you to stay."

"Sammy it's really me." Dean took one of Sam's hands and placed it against his face. "I'm really here."

"Can't be… you can't be… I watched you die. Felt you die in my arms and leave me… but s'okay…everything's okay cause I won't do it Dean. Won't say yes…promised I wouldn't… but don't go."

"You healed me Sam. You brought me back because you had faith and love and…"

"NO!... no, no… THIS ISN'T REAL! You said we could just sit and talk and I could stay here with you."

"Lucifer is playing games with you Sam, trying to confuse you okay but I'm here with Castiel and Tahariel and we're gonna get you out."

Dean hurried over to the wall and began chipping away at the plasterboard with his knife, destroying the power of the spell as the symbols were disfigured.

"Tried to kill him… you… with the sword but it didn't work… I've got too much evil in me." Sam clawed at his head. "I could feel it y'know… the power and need inside me when I used the sword… should've been me… should've been me."

Dean moved back beside the younger boy and knelt down as his brother started rocking again… head hitting the wall harder now.

"Stop Sam. What do you mean should've been you?"

Sam looked at him in a moment of near clarity and for a split second Dean thought he had gotten through his brother's walls of defence and grief.

"I'm the one that should be dead not Dean. I'm the one that's tainted and evil and… s'my fault he's dead. Should've been me… want it to be me."

"No Sam, don't you say that." Dean ignored his brother's attempts to push him away as his arms circled around the younger boy in a tight embrace. "You're the only good thing."

"A family reunion… how touching. Pity I'm going to have to ruin it all over again… is this Groundhog Day or what?"

Dean's blood ran cold as laughter rang out behind him.

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	12. Chapter 12

**Rating**: NC17  
**Pairings**: Sam/Dean  
**Warnings**: Angst, HurtDean, HurtSammy, Wincest, Torture, Rape,  
**Summary**: Sam's idea of heaven shatters Dean's heart and he realises now he can never confess his true feelings for his brother and he just wants to walk away from it all. But when Sam is taken by Zachariah and sent to Purgatory, they are thrown headlong into a battle against the devil. With the help of Castiel, the brother's devise a plan to defeat Lucifer but unless they are truly bound to each other… Sam will be lost forever. The secrets they are both keeping might just get them both killed.

AU ending for "Dark Side of the Moon"

**Chapter Warning - Explicit Wincest... as in uncensored brotherly boysexing ahead! Don't like it...don't read it!**

**Chapter 12**

Dean stood slowly and placed himself protectively in front of Sam, turning hateful eyes on the fallen angel.

"Stay away from my brother."

"Oh but Dean I've only really just started to get to know Sam, what makes him strong, what makes him weak. You know you're at the very top of both lists. Impressive I must say."

"I'm not gonna let you touch him again."

"Well it's a noble thought but you can't stop me."

"No Lucifer but I can."

Dean turned with relief as Castiel appeared.

"Nice timing there Cas." Dean moved back to be closer to Sam's side but gasped in surprise instead as tight pressure suddenly cut off his airways. Automatically clutching at the invisible force, he grimaced as his broken fingers stretched and grated with the effort.

The older boy watched helplessly as Castiel stepped forward speaking in a tongue foreign to Dean as he encompassed Lucifer in white light. The last thing Dean remembered was hurtling through the air and seeing the far wall moving up fast to meet him.

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The younger boy felt detached as everything happened around him, watching as Dean was thrown across the room to fall motionless on his side. There was a red mark...

_Dean's blood_

...where his brother had connected with the brickwork.

Sam instinctively shielded his eyes as the light grew brighter but then Castiel was hurled along the same flight path as Dean and only narrowly avoided landing on the older hunter as he too fell in a crumpled heap.

There were too many emotions and questions and fears in Sam's head for anything to make sense except for the anger that was building within him. Whether or not it was really Dean, whether any of this was real he still couldn't sit there and watch as Lucifer played this game and hurt what looked like his brother.

Hand braced against the wall, Sam got to his feet and stood facing Lucifer, the only thing he wanted was for this to end. He was done.

A harsh voice made his head turn in time to see Tahariel, arm outstretched, bathe Lucifer in the blinding white light as Castiel had done.

"Sam."

Following the sound of his name he watched Castiel walk unsteadily towards him, glancing behind the angel at Dean's body.

_Dean's already dead. This isn't real._

Sam shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, trying to grab a hold of something to steady his grief and anger.

"Sam, we need your help."

"Castiel?" Sam saw the angel but was finding it hard to trust his own senses at the moment.

"Yes it is me. You need to help us trap Lucifer, cage him."

"Tried... I tried to kill him, make him pay for Dean but..." Sam eyes travelled back to Dean's body and he shook his head. "If you're really who you say you don't need my help."

"When Tahariel releases Lucifer from the Seal of Light you need to say yes Sam." Castiel drew a knife across his own hand and began drawing symbols in blood on the ground around them. "You need to say yes and step into this trap."

"No... promised Dean I wouldn't... won't let him down again."

"Sam we have no time." Castiel stopped and placed a hand on Sam's forehead. "It is truly me and you need to do as I say."

Sam's eyes snapped open as Castiel revealed himself for who he was, showing Sam a glimpse of his grace but not enough to harm the young hunter.

Nodding, Sam looked down hesitant before he meet the angels ice blue eyes. "Will it kill me?"

"Possibly." Castiel lifted his chin slightly. "But you are Lucifer's true vessel and the only one that will draw him in when you accept."

"Is that really Dean... is he here?"

Castiel blinked slowly before speaking very deliberately. "Most of what you have seen and heard has been Lucifer's fabrication here Sam. You were led to believe Dean was really here when he wasn't. I am sorry."

Sam frowned and nodded, blinking rapidly as his voice came out ragged. "Promise me… promise me Cas if it doesn't kill me you will. I can't... I can't do this… be here without Dean… I can't… not again."

Castiel met Sam's eyes but before he could answer Tahariel's voice sounded out loud and desperate.

"Now Sam. You need to act now!"

Castiel nodded at the boy before him, feeling emotions he hadn't felt before and if he had the choice, would not want to feel again. Regret. Sorrow. Self disgust.

Sam nodded again, eyes holding the angel's stare before he glanced one more time at the body on the floor that seemed so real.

"Yes. YES!"

Sam whole world was suddenly filled with burning light and pain and a dizzying vertigo that seemed to last forever. He held on to the strands of self awareness enough to know he had to move…. move into the blood circle… he knew it was important, couldn't remember exactly why, and he willed his body to obey that one last command. He knew after he did that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore after that.

Sam's feet moved one step and then another until he crossed the blood circle and stood within the intricate markings.

He screamed as he lost a hold of himself, his feelings, his soul. He screamed as everything he was, was ripped to pieces.

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Dean heard his own groan and it dragged him up into consciousness before he could stop it. It was much better, much less painful to stay in the hazy depths of unawareness and oblivion than to have this… this reality forced upon him.

As he tried to take in his surroundings, Dean's heart pounded painfully as he began to understand what was happening.

Sam was screaming and Lucifer's old vessel was lying on the floor, used and broken.

"No. No Sammy, no."

The older hunter used the wall to gain his footing, weaving unsteadily towards his brother, wanting desperately to just grab him up and hold him tight.

Dean of all people should have known that no matter how much you want something, it rarely made a difference in reality.

"No, no, no."

Dean turned his head to Castiel who had slumped against the wall as though in defeat, frowning at the look on the angels face.

"What happened? What did you let him do?"

"CASTIEL!"

"Sam is trapping Lucifer. He is sacrificing himself to save us all."

"Cas no. How could you let him say yes? Why would he do that if he knew I was still alive…? He knew I was alive right? He understood that? Cas?"

"I did not clarify that aspect with him."

Dean walked to the edge of the blood circle where the younger boy stood, neck arched back and arms flung out, his whole body shaking like he was having a seizure. At some point Sam bit through his lip and bright red blood spilt down his chin, dripping onto his clothes as his eyes rolled back in his head.

"SAM!" Dean saw Castiel move as he called out to his brother and then the angel was holding him back, keeping him from breaking the blood trap.

Tahariel's voice sounded out sharp and guttural with verses and phrases that Dean didn't understand as the light around Sam grew so bright Dean could no longer look at it… could no longer look at his brother and what this was doing to him.

A cacophony of sound and light… screaming so loud and painful Dean knew he would never be rid of the sound and it vibrated the very walls around them, shook him to his very core and kept on going. Sam's voice bled through his mind and soul and essence and in that instant he would have died ten times over to save his brother from the pain of this.

And then it was gone.

Tahariel's voice was the last thing before total silence and then Sam was falling, crumbling right before his eyes like his bones and muscles had turned to dust and there was nothing solid about him.

"Sam."

The stillness rang out so loud it was deafening and Dean felt Castiel let go and he staggered one step and then another. His feet stumbled across the red markings and he knelt down slowly, so very carefully next to his baby brother because he would die before he caused him any more pain and suffering.

Dean's hand traced softly down the younger boy's face before smoothing back the strands of unruly brown hair that had fallen across his face.

"Hey Sammy, s'okay, it's over baby. You did so well, so brave and…" Dean voice choked in his throat as he watched his brother's still face and it hurt so much more than he could stand right now.

"He did it. Lucifer is caged."

A fury so bone deep and strong rose in the older hunter and he was suddenly holding Castiel against the wall, fists pounding relentlessly into the angel.

"You bastard. You fucking bastard you knew what would happen. You let him do this and you knew… I'm gonna kill you…"

Dean hit into the angel until he could no longer feel his hands and his arms ached like he had gone ten round with a block of concrete. Finally sagging, his angry blows becoming nothing more than useless movements, Dean's knees buckled with grief and exhaustion.

"Your brother is still alive Dean."

"At what cost? What did Lucifer do to him?" Dean crawled back to his brother's side, head reeling and bile rising in his throat from concussion and pain.

"We did what was needed, the greater good must always come first. There are no exceptions."

"Yes. Yes there are." Castiel turned to face Tahariel. "Sam would have still chosen the right thing if he had been trusted with the truth. Sometimes faith in the few is more important that the greater good. I was wrong with my deception."

"Being exposed to these humans has made you weak brother."

"No Tahariel, it has made me stronger." The angel's words went unanswered as Tahariel disappeared from the room.

"Cas, can you fix him? Please?"

"Dean I cannot undo what Lucifer has damaged inside your brother. Tahariel has given me enough power to heal you though." Castiel walked forward and touched Dean's head. "And I will give you the time you need to tend to Sam."

"What...?" Dean blinked as the room blurred and disappeared.

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Dean stood in a sunlit room, the sounds of waves crashing and the smell of salt air filled his senses. A partially open glass door was in front of him and he squinted at the glare of the bright light as it reflected off the cresting waves.

Heart still pounding, Dean turned to see Sam lying on a large bed behind him. If he didn't know better, if he didn't look too closely, he could have pretended that Sam was just sleeping.

He walked over and sat down next to his brother, feeling disorientated and angry and so fucking messed up. Castiel had fixed any physical injuries he had but emotionally he was an absolute train wreck. In the space of days he had been ripped apart from his brother time and again and maybe now, Sam was gone for good.

Maybe this body lying next to him was just a shell and Sam was already long gone.

Suddenly out of the blue Dean wished he could rewind the clock, go back to when they were just kids. Not normal kids because there was nothing about their lives that would ever fall into the category of normal but he just yearned for simpler days and times. Yeah they knew about the monsters in the closet and the things that hid in the darkness but they had each other and they had their Dad and the pain they had known then was nothing to what they had endured as the years progressed.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

A fleeting memory came to him of Sam's face looking up at him, smiling at him because of some stupid thing he'd done to make his little brother laugh. Sam had always laughed back then when he was young, easy smile and dimples that lit his face up so bright it had always been amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Even back then Dean understood what it was like to know someone had such power over you. Maybe he had always known his brother held a piece of his heart in his hands.

Dean's eyes tracked up Sam's rumpled, bloodied clothing, and took in the details of the younger boy's face and wondered if his brother's mouth would ever smile at him again.

The memory of Sam's lips brushing against his own suddenly overshadowed his reminiscence and waylaid his emotions. After all those years and hidden feelings, the slow burn of Sam that had seared his heart and scorched his soul, maybe all they would ever have is that one kiss.

"You need to wake up soon." Dean began to untie his brother's boots, giving his hands something to do. "M'gonna get you comfortable so you can rest first but then you gotta wake up Sammy. I need you here okay? I need you back."

Dean unbuttoned Sam's over shirt and gently removed it before he undid his brother's jeans and slid them down and off, leaving the younger boy clad in boxers and a t-shirt. There were extra blankets on a wicker chair in the corner of the room and it was easier to cover Sam in them than to try and attempt to wrestle him under the covers he was lying on.

Not once as Dean worked were there any signs of movement or wakefulness from Sam and the older boy tried not to lose the hope he was desperately clinging on to because without it, he was lost.

Standing motionless beside the bed for minutes, Dean saw their duffels and weapons bag lining the far wall and realised that Castiel had thought to send them along. He was still angry at the angel for deceiving his brother but deep down he knew that Sam would've made the same decision if he knew he could send Lucifer back.

Wondering for the first time about where they were, Dean walked from room to room in the small cottage but gleaned no more clues about their location. The kitchen was stocked and as he peered out the front windows, smiling briefly when he saw the Impala sitting in the small gravel driveway. The closest dwelling seemed to be at least half a mile down the small dirt track but Dean knew Castiel would have put them somewhere safe enough.

For now at least.

Walking back into the bedroom, Dean ran his palm down the side of Sam's face before sliding his fingers down to the pulse point in his neck. "M'gonna grab a shower okay, I won't be long."

Grabbing some clothes from his bag Dean stopped halfway between the small adjoining bathroom and the bed, his eyes lingering on the still body of his brother before he walked into the small room and left the door open. He was back out, still slightly damp but clean in under five minutes.

Sam never even knew he had been gone.

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The next day passed in a half blur, the sun now sitting low on the horizon and the waves were coloured an impossible red orange that reminded Dean of fire. He shivered as the sea breeze slipped in through the open doorway and his eyes move to his brother's hand beneath his own.

Dean had wedged an arm chair in the space beside the bed at some point that morning when he realised that wherever his legs took him aimlessly over the course of those long hours, he would always end up back here by his brother's side. He had made a sandwich earlier in the day and it sat hardly touched, on the bedside table along with an empty coffee cup. The coffee had been good but the glass of bourbon that he now cradled in his hand was much better.

The alcohol numbed the feeling of helplessness that was slowly invading his every thought and movement, making everything seem dull and surreal. The pleading words he had spoken over and over for Sam to wake up had fallen heavy and unanswered in the silence and now even his brother's hand felt colder, almost lifeless.

Shifting in the chair, it was probably the fact that he was miles past exhausted, both physically and mentally that he missed it at first. When he finally realised that dark hazel eyes were staring back at him, Dean lost the ability to breathe and just froze for seconds before he truly believed what he was seeing.

"Sammy?"

He squeezed the hand beneath his fingers as his other hand came up to rest on the side of his brother's face, thumb rubbing gently over the younger boy's cheekbone.

"Sammy?"

Dean watched as the dark eyes blinked slowly and his brother began breathing loudly as his awareness rose. Sam's hand shifted beneath his grip and the accompanying low gasping groan made Dean almost choke on his own voice.

"Hey Sam, God… God…" Dean swallowed roughly. "You okay Sam?"

"M'I dead?" Sam frowned and moved his body to sit up, whimpering and visibly tensing when Dean helped him.

"No Sammy, you're okay, we both are." Dean smiled as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "God you scared me kiddo."

"You're not real, I know that." Sam voice was whisper soft as he looked around the room.

"I'm real Sam." Dean slowly closed his fingers around Sam's hand and brought it up to his face before pressing Sam's knuckles to his mouth briefly.

"You said it would be over if I did this. You said I wouldn't wake up." Sam pulled his hand away. "I wish I was dead. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to feel anything else."

"Sammy don't you say that."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

Sam's voice was flat and devoid of any emotion and like a flash fire, anger rose up inside the older hunter at what they had done to his brother, tormented by demons and played by angels until he couldn't tell good from bad or fact from fiction. Suddenly Dean was moving, turning his body and clutching Sam with his hands as his fingers splayed across his brother's chest and his other hand cupped the younger boy's face.

"This is still beating Sam, your heart is still beating so don't you tell me you want to die, not now, not ever." He grabbed Sam's hand and placed it over his own heart. "And this, my heart is still beating because you saved me. You brought me back because… because you loved me Sam. So you tell me, does it feel real enough for you?"

Tears were falling down his face but Dean couldn't feel them, all he felt was desperation that Sam was slipping away from him. "And this Sammy…" Dean leaned in and ghosted his lips across his brother's mouth, pressing and sliding his mouth along Sam's slightly parted lips before he pulled away. "…does this feel real to you? God Sammy, please tell me you know it's me, I can't… I can't lose you now okay."

Sam lifted his eyes and allowed himself to really see Dean for the first time since he had awakened. He didn't want to look too closely before because it hurt too much to know this was just a false moment that was being played out for his benefit, it was too painful to acknowledge he would never get his brother back.

Dean had died in his arms but…

"I don't understand." Sam wasn't even aware that he had spoken as his eyes followed the path of tears down along Dean's face and then down to the amulet around his neck. He frowned at the blackened symbol and the reddened skin beneath it. The young hunter's hand slowly extended to touch along the charm and then the scar underneath.

The younger boy blinked, so confused and scared. "Dean?"

Dean nodded, drawing in a ragged breath as Sam's fingers moved from his neck up along his jaw and then wiped the tears from his face. "S'me Sammy, please... please believe me."

Dean's body shook with silent sobs as everything, the pain and loss and worry and fucking heartbreak just crested over him like a giant wave and he started sinking, drowning.

Something shifted, righted itself and snapped into place as Sam heard the voice, the sound of his brother that he had known all his life. The way his brother spoke always resonated deep inside him like the calm within the storm that anchored him and made him feel safe. Sounded like home.

"Dean." Sam wasn't asking this time as he fell into his brother's body and felt himself surrounded by warmth.

When Dean's mouth found his and pressed desperately against his lips, Sam could taste the salt from their tears and he closed his eyes and just got lost in the feel of his brother against him.

Sam opened his mouth and Dean accepted the invitation with a passionate moan, his tongue pushing inside the younger boy's mouth as their lips continued to slide and move against each other. Dean's hands slid up through his brother's hair, tangling in the strands before moving back down to smooth along the back of Sam's neck.

Dean pulled away breathless, taking a moment to watch Sam's face before he leaned in and pressed their foreheads together.

Neither boy spoke for minutes as they just held on to each other, breathing each other's air.

It was Dean who broke the silence when he felt his brother's body shiver under his hands although Sam made no sound or complaint.

"Lemme close the door, you're cold."

Frowning at the wide eyed terror that moved quickly across the younger boys face, Dean smiled gently as his hands briefly squeezed Sam's shoulder. "It's okay Sam."

He waited until the younger boy nodded before he slid off the bed and walked over to the glass door, sliding it all the way closed and latching it before drawing the curtain. As he walked back to the bed and clicked on one of the room lamps, he saw Sam's eyes blink slowly and it dawned on him that his brother was still exhausted.

"Hey how about you get some sleep and then we'll work things out in the morning."

"Don't want to sleep. Feels like… I feel like I've been asleep for so long… everything's…" Sam shook his head unable to find the words he wanted.

"Everything's what Sammy?" Dean frowned as he sat back down on the bed.

Sam looked down at the crumpled blanket surrounding him as his fingers twisted and pulled at the loose strands of a broken thread. "I can't tell what's….there's things I remember but I'm not sure which parts are real… like my brain's got someone else's stuff in it y'know."

Dean rolled his eyes affectionately. "Yeah Sammy your brain's always got too much stuff in it. Told you it would implode one day geek boy."

Sam's smile was instant and bright and as he glanced up, Dean could see the light back in his brother's eyes and he leaned over without even thinking and placed a soft kiss on the corner of Sam's mouth.

As Sam felt Dean move away from him, his body automatically leaned forward and chased his brother's mouth until he found what he wanted and was pressed close against the older boy's chest. He felt his heart pounding hard in his chest as their tongues tangled and he drew his knees underneath him and let his hands wander up and down Dean's chest and back.

When they broke the kiss, panting for breath, Sam's let his mouth slide along the top of Dean's shoulder. "Want this Dean. Want you."

"I know Sammy, I want this too." Dean's voice slips along the side of his brother's ear. "We need to go slow, you've been through…"

"No." Sam sat back and looked at Dean. "We've waited so long and if the world ends tomorrow… we've waited long enough."

The look in Sam's eyes is both scared and stubborn and in strikes a chord in Dean how Sam always manages to tell him so much without words. He can see Sam needs this nearly as much as he does and for once Dean decides he's not going to second guess or hide or do any of the other things he's been doing for years to deny his feelings.

Instead he reaches for the hem of his brother's t-shirt and silently lifts it over Sam's head before doing the same with his own and for a second he just takes in Sam's skin and the way his chest is rising and falling so fast. Standing but not taking his eyes off the younger boy, Dean undoes his jeans and slides them off his legs, hesitating briefly before he does the same with his boxers and stands naked before his brother.

Holding his hand out, he watches with a half smile as Sam stares at it confused for a minute before he takes it and moves to get off the bed, standing up and eyes looking anywhere but at Dean.

"You okay?" Dean steps in and whispers the words against Sam's neck as his lets his tongue lick a path down along his brother's neck before sucking the skin in the hollow of his throat. Dean knows Sam wants this if the noises slipping out of his mouth are any indication but his little brother is still coming to terms with the fact it's really happening. "Stop thinking Sammy."

"Mmmm…'kay." Sam's pretty sure his ability to think just got sucked into his brother's mouth anyways but Dean's voice is calm reassurance and that's enough. It always has been.

Dean stepped forward and pressed their bodies together, just feeling Sam's skin under his tongue and hands has made his cock throb heavy between his legs but pushing in he can feels Sam so hard as well.

"God Sammy… need these off." Dean's fingers slid beneath the waistband of Sam's boxers and slowly, almost teasingly he began to push them down. Moving his hands back, he rubbed them down his brother's muscled ass as he slid the material further down at the same time as he pulled Sam in closer against him. Lifting his hands out of the cotton he moved them back to Sam's hips and lifted the elastic out and then down, and he groaned softly as Sam's shaft was released and rubbed against his own.

Sam broke away then and pushed the boxers down his legs and off his legs impatiently and then began kissing Dean so hard and forcefully the older boy was momentarily stunned before he got with the program. Forcing his thigh between Sam's legs he began to run his hands along Sam's flanks, savouring the feel of soft skin and hard muscle before he reached between them with one hand and found the younger boy's nipple.

Twisting and pulling the rough nub between his fingers he was spurred on by the whimper and small sounds of pleasure that Sam made deep in his throat as his brother began to grind himself down into Dean's thigh.

Making himself pull away, Dean was stunned by the lust blown pupils that stared back at him from Sam's eyes and his voice sounded rough and desperate when it came out of his own mouth. "Get on the bed Sammy."

Sam looked back at him for a second and Dean was on the verge of just pushing him down but the younger boy finally moved and sat down then pushed himself over until he was just lying there like he had no idea just how debauched he looked. Dean was pretty sure his brother looked like every wet dream he had ever had and he climbed across his brother's body and straddled his thighs.

Leaning in close and breathing in Sam's ear, Dean's whisper was hot and dirty. "What do you want Sammy. I'll give you anything."

Sam felt Dean's voice on his skin and it sent electricity pulsing down his body straight to his already rock hard dick. He could hear the want in his brother's voice and he knew it was for him, knew Dean was so hard and it made him groan. "God Dean…" Sam felt burning hot drops of precum side over his cock and down and he thrust up against Dean's weight wanting friction.

"Tell me Sammy."

Sam whimpered because he could find the words. "Please… please Dean."

"What do you want baby?" Dean's body slid down and then his mouth closed over one of Sam's nipples, sucking it in, teeth grazing over the rough flesh until Sam arched up into his mouth.

"Want you inside me… just want you… please."

Dean knew already but he wanted to hear the words, wanted Sam to tell him because he needed to hear it for real, had to make sure because this was Sam, this was everything he had dreamed about for so long.

"God Sam. Yeah… want that too."

Dean's mouth moved down Sam's body of its own accord and Dean went along wilfully for the ride as he tried to taste every inch of his brother' skin. Sucking on the flesh just under Sam's hipbone, he could feel his brother almost vibrating with need underneath him and a wave of arousal spread over his body like liquid heat.

When Sam's knees spread apart even further Dean groaned into the flesh against his face as the musky smell of Sam's arousal assaulted his senses. Pulling away from his brother's body, Dean's eyes were drawn to Sam's swollen cock, the head so red and glistening with creamy drops of cum.

Dean's tongue licked along the thick vein that ran underneath Sam's shaft and when Sam bucked off the bed with a lustful cry of need, Dean moved his hands to pin his hips to the bed as he repeated the action over and over. When Sam was reduced to begging his name Dean took him into his mouth and sucked hard on the tip and listened to the sounds of his brother falling apart beneath him as Sam's hands pressed against his skull.

Sam didn't recognise the sounds that were coming out of his own mouth, not at all. All he knew was that Dean was pulling him apart and putting him back together at the same time in agonisingly slow, erotically mind numbing, increments.

As he felt his cock being swallowed inside Dean's mouth and then sucked down, down into the wet heat, Sam lost all sense of everything except what happening between his spread legs. He didn't even know his own hands had found their way into his brother's short hair and pressed Dean harder, deeper, against his throbbing cock.

Sam can feel he won't last much longer and he frowns with an ounce of clarity as his fingers move to give his brother a different signal pushing him off.

"In me… want you in me when I cum." Sam voice is husky and breathless and he's pretty sure he's seconds away from shooting his load, gasping when Dean pulls off with a final lick over his slit. "Oh fuck…"

He can feel Dean move up his body and suddenly he is staring into deep green eyes that he's known his whole life but hardly recognises right now. His brother's stare is hungry and filthy and there's barely any green left around the lust blown black. Sam couldn't have looked away if his life depended on it.

Sam doesn't speak but just arches up as Dean moves down and plunders his mouth and the younger boy's hands can't hold on tight enough when Dean's fingers slide down his body between his legs and press insistently against his opening.

In an instant Dean moves off him and Sam's left cold and panting and beginning to panic until he opens his eyes, and he doesn't even remember closing them, but Dean's right there fumbling through his bag and then moving quickly back over Sam's body.

"Won't hurt you Sammy."

The words vibrate along his skin and then Dean's fingers are back, cold and slick now and pressing inside him, moving in and out until his own body picks up the rhythm and runs with it.

"Dean please…" Sam's pretty sure he's on the brink again and he hopes, knows, trusts, Dean will understand what he wants because his brother always has read him like a book, page after page and between the lines.

When Dean's cock pushes against his hole and then shifts and breaches inside, Sam cries out at the pain and pressure even as he pulls his brother down against him, harder and deeper.

Dean stills when he hears his brother's pain, it's not something he's ever gotten used to and now is no exception. He flexes his muscles to move out, knows it's too much but Sam holds him fast and tight and Dean knows Sam still wants this, so he'll get him past it and through it until it feels good.

"Shhh Sammy, relax, s'okay."

Moving his hand between them, Dean fists Sam's cock slowly from base to tip, up and down and letting his lube slick fingers make the slide easy and good. He can feel Sam's body start to push into his fist and as his brother's head tilts back on the bed, Dean bends down and sucks hard on his neck.

"Mmmm fuck…Dn…mmmm."

Sam's voice already sounds so fucked out as Dean's hips start moving, rocking his cock slowly in and out of his brother.

"God Sammy… so tight baby… s'good."

Unable to help himself now, Dean's thrusts get harder as he drives into Sam and watches the younger boy thrash his head from side to side. Pushing his arm under one of Sam's legs, Dean bends it up towards his brother's chest as he drives in deeper and Sam shudders and shakes as the sweet spot inside him is set on fire with the change in angle.

"Dean…Dn… mmm…" Sam tenses and cries out as his body arches and his cock pulses hard and hot between their naked bodies.

Dean can feel Sam's orgasm wrack through his body in waves of tight muscle and he follows hard and fierce, his cock throbbing hot streams inside the tight heat of Sam's body as his vision whites out with the intensity and pleasure.

Still rocking gently, Dean finally shifts to the side and then pulls out, warm liquid spilling out with his softening cock as he lowers himself down next to his brother's panting body.

Sam frowns at the loss of contact but then sighs as Dean's hand smoothes across his chest and comes to rest gently on his hip. The weight of Dean's arm across his body feels comforting and he places a hand over Dean's arm, softly rubbing up and down.

"That was…" he begins but falters, unable to find the words to capture the intensity of everything he's feeling.

"Yeah Sammy I know." Deans thumb runs lines across his hip bone. "If the world ends tomorrow I'm gonna die happy."

Sam laughs at that, out loud and deep and from the heart, still high on sex and adrenaline before he turns and lifts himself on one elbow suddenly serious in the beat of a heart.

"Can we really have this Dean? This…us?"

"Yeah Sammy, I'm real, this is real and we can have this if you want it."

Sam looks into his brother's eyes as he listens to the words. They sound like a promise, like an aqua wave, clean and sparkling and he just wants to plunge into them. Dive deep below the surface and stay there forever.

Leaning in over his older brother, Sam kissed softly over his mouth.

"I want it."

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_The End._

_a/n: Well if there's anyone out there that's still reading this fic I've just gotta say thanx muchly for your patience! I have to be honest and say I lost the muse for this fic but then I realised that I was trying to continue the story when I should have been trying to end it...*shrugs*...hope it was worth the wait._

_Each and every one of your comments has been very much appreciated and I'm glad you came along for the ride!_

_*hugz*_


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